So it sucks being let down. And it sucks when you give a little piece of yourself, no matter how small, to someone and they give it back. It’s always tainted and it won’t ever be the same, no matter how little the situation may be compared to others. I guess that’s the risk you take when you put yourself out there. You give a little bit of yourself away and you hope for a positive outcome. Always keeping in mind that disappointment and being hurt or taken advantage of is always something that can come back to you as well. I’m disappointed. Not so much hurt because it never got that far. But disappointed because it’s a situation that didn’t work out, at least not the way my mind had hoped for. Whose to say it won’t work out in another way that may be more beneficial. But I suppose I learned a little more of what I don’t want and a lot of what I would want, in an ideal situation. I reminded myself not to settle for anything less than of what I deserve even if the little moments of lust and affection make it easy to be lured in for a little longer. Point blank, it sucks. It sucks when you realize that it isn’t what could be and that, that in itself is suppose to be okay. Just bleh. He made me smile for a little while I suppose, for that he deserves a thank you.

Nothing sucks more than losing a big part of your life. Someone you trusted, confided in. Someone that shared your moments of strengths and were around for your moment of weaknesses. Someone whose hugs made everything a little better. But nothing sucks more than knowing that possibly, maybe, letting go is the best thing you can do for yourself. Because possibly, maybe, their not at a stage to ever love you like you deserve. Because I deserve the world and nothing less, and even though…even though, I love you, I can’t stand to be treated with such little respect anymore. And sure, I’ll miss you, I miss you, but the moments of contentedness became so rare as the years passed. And though they were always worth it to me, things tore me apart harder than you can imagine. Although I’m grateful, so grateful, that while I choose to take steps back, slowly but surely, I have no bitterness, no regrets, no what if’s. I loved, I lost…but I conquered.

It’s all about taking risks. It’s scary and it sucks. Who really wants to put themselves out there, emotionally, physically, mentally? Who loves the factor of rejection or disappointment, nobody really thrives on it. But nobody succeeded or achieved what they wanted, or even got to open a new door without taking the chance, the risk, the opportunity to let itself be known. I took a huge risk for myself yesterday, in all sense doubt and insecurities, I let myself be put out there. Sure it was frightening, I probably drove the people around me crazy, but I did it. Not for anyone else but for me, for knowing what it feels like to be absolutely scared but also knowing what it feels like to be revealed because I did it, I did it, regardless of the consequences, I did it. Believe me, it’s not anything great. Probably something people do on a regular basis, but it is something that I’m not comfortable with and you know what? It turned out great, it was a good night and I would do it again in a minute. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still absolutely scared to do it again, because a whole new set of insecurities and doubts have crept up on me but at the same time, that’s okay because I’ll get over them too. And at the end of the day if things work out, that’s great. But if they don’t, I can’t ever say I didn’t try. I’d rather walk away with the possibility of being slightly disappointed but getting over it instead of questioning it and wondering if the scenario would have been any different.

Honestly, just take the leap, what’s the worst that can happen?

There’s very little I expect from people. I’m one to give and not want a lot in return and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I like the person I am and for a lot of the qualities I possess but that does not mean you can turn on asshole mode whenever you so please because I prefer to be quiet then loud. Just because I prefer to let things slide then create a scenario about it doesn’t mean you can trample on me and disrespect me as you please. I hate people who think their above other people and I dislike people that choose to use their manipulative and controlling ways to let a situation sway their way when at that moment all I want to do is take their nut sack and twist it to it’s worthless existence. I hate people that cannot show me respect, I am not your fucking bitch stop treating me like one. God DAMN!

So that’s it. My teaching position in Taiwan ended today with one of my favorite classes. It’s a weird feeling knowing I probably won’t be infront of a classroom teaching and getting to know kids anytime soon. I won’t be correcting their English and making jokes with them when the Chinese teacher isn’t looking. I won’t be in Taiwan much longer.

I don’t regret any of it, it was one of the smartest decisions I’ve made to venture off and learn while teaching. My kids have made some of the greatest impressions in my life and they will forever own a piece of my heart, I just hope I’ve done that for them too. It’s been a great chapter to live in for a while and I am thankful I was given the opportunity and strength to surpass it and feel it for all it’s worth.

When I come back home I’m going to make a bigger effort to be nicer to my dad. Before I left, the level of respect I had for my dad was next to zero. Words of the past would come out of my mouth like shots of fire. I was rude, I was inconsiderate. I snooped down to his level of anger and that is something I am not proud of. The respect I have for my dad is still next to zero, he has hurt my family and torn the woman of my heart; my mother, apart, for that I will never forgive him. But I do have a little more respect for me. And I would like to think that someday when I make the biggest mistake of my life, even though it will never ever amount to the damage he’s done in the lives of many, someone out there will lend a hand and still love me. Everyone wants to know that not their not alone, nobody wants to do it on their own. I am not the judge of anyone’s actions, he is my dad. And although he might not be a nice person, he’s alone. And for anyone that has ever been alone, for anyone that has ever had nobody to come home to and nothing to look forward to with not a voice that calls their name in delight, they know what levels of insanity they can reach.

I want to lend a hand to my dad and let him know I still love him because even though he’s never really done the same for anyone maybe it’s because he’s never learned how; maybe it’s time we teach him that he’s not alone out there. He still has me.

I hate saying goodbye to my kids it puts me in a vulgar mood. I hate that part of growing up and moving forward. I hate that I won’t ever see these kids again. I hate that this is the first time of a thousand more times ahead where it feels like theres a basketball stuck in my throat and I don’t know whether to cry or simply swallow and just be. I hate the way goodbyes make me feel.

She is finished. She dropped her last tear today.
Process of moving on concluded – she’s so far away
From all the memories of all the things that he used to say.
She left them in the trash with the roses he bought that day.

He is back on his game by his own self-proclaimed right,
Hasn’t called her number now in three whole nights.
Besides, he made a dozen unanswered calls a day, he thinks he put up his fight.
She really Loved him, but getting what he wants elsewhere is something so light.

She has successfully hopped back on her grind.
Cold mentality is back in effect while she’s schooling and working part time.
Late calls with new voices and nights-out keep her occupied.
She’s too grown for his bullshit anyways, he the farthest thing from her mind.

He doesn’t have to worry about her anymore.
No excess relationship weight to make his shoulders sore.
Now he’s free to do whatever with whoever, just like before.
Spent too long dropping only her panties over and over on the floor.

She gets off on how she independent she is,
Doesn’t have that immature fool always up in her business.
Now dudes find her self-sovereignty so attractive, so solid now that she isn’t his.
Life really tastes so much sweeter when it has a little fizz.

He is the same way he was at the very start.
After a while it doesn’t matter that he jack-knifed her heart.
Not like he has to deal with it while living so far apart
And he’s already checked off her name on his to-do chart.

She is ashamed of all the time that she spent
But she doesn’t bother spending any more on him to repent.
Deleted every last text message that he ever sent –
Remembered each one and desaturated herself of all the things he never meant.

He is eager and ready for the next,
Doesn’t think twice about her half the time because now she’s just an ex.
Looks back on it and smirks because it was some really good sex.
Fails to realize the gravity of what he has wrecked.

She has started something completely new,
But that will never change all the hurt that he put her through.
Some days she gets so caught up in how nothing he promised came true
And she wonders if he ever misses all the good they had too…

He is a player but a pretty boy is what he shows.
He’s still young so he isn’t settling down – that for sure she painfully knows.
Life’s short so play hard and stick hard, she messed up his flow.
The only time he’ll love them is when – well, you know how the song goes.

She thinks about him and just shakes her head.
When he comes up in conversation she wishes he would drop dead
Because she hates recalling all the fake sweet things that he said.
She knows she’ll never find someone to hold her the same way he did in bed.

He walks with a boulder on his shoulder – way too much pride.
She knows he’d choke if he had to swallow it, that’s why love died
But he doesn’t care enough to see how much it had hurt her inside.
He’ll never find love like that again if he searches the whole world far and wide.

She walks away, hands clean. She knows it’s done.
He was supposed to be temporary anyways, just a little summer fun.
Gave him a free crash course on love and he still managed to lose one,
But she’s been through enough to know there will be a better someone.

He knew what he wanted to get, he got a lot more
So he can carry on knowing he got what he came for.
At least now he’s learned to leave faster so he doesn’t get bored
And the next girl’s emotions will be that much easier to ignore.

She refuses to let the cry inside of her get out, she shuts her eyes tight
Every time her heart sinks in… She hates this part of each night,
When she lays awake and wonders what she didn’t do right,
But she shakes it off because he fucked it up to such an elevated height.

He is gonna miss the way she Loved him so much,
The way her head lay in his hand in bed – he’ll miss her touch.
He’ll never understand that if he ever fell, she’d wanted to be his crutch.
No other girl will play with his hair like her, hold hands like her, such and such.

She doesn’t care. There’s billions of people in this world
Many who can do the same thing with their tongue to make her toes curl.
Her heart deserves a thousand times better from someone real – of that she’s assured,
But now and then, a song plays out and she knows to whom her mind refers.

He doesn’t see how happy she is without him around.
He’s turned a blind eye to her existence even though sometimes he swears he hears her in the background
But he hears songs as well every once in a while and his heart starts to pound
And deep inside himself he wishes he could remember how her voice used to sound.

She only crumbles inside when she remembers,
Like the time he pushed her against the wall and kissed her – wishes she could stay in that moment for just a little longer.

He won’t ever forget the hug she held him in so tight that night in November,
He doesn’t understand that she trusted his forevers but they turned to never.

They will never ever – even if they try – ever, ever be the same
Neither of them will ever forget every time they hear each other’s names.
No matter how it’s looked at, the way it is now is such a shame.
Heartache and heartbreak – in the end only Love is to blame.

“Where do you want to be five years from now?”
“With you.”
“You don’t know where I’ll be – ”
“I don’t care where you’ll be.”
“Five years from now I could be dead…”
“So would I. I wouldn’t want to live without you.”
“That’s so irrational, there’s an entire world of possibilities out there – ”
“This world couldn’t possibly mean anything if you weren’t a part of it.”
“You’re funny. Sometimes I wonder about you.”

“That’s funny, I think about you all the time.”

I have officially spent eight months in Taiwan and I leave in two weeks, how do I feel about that? I don’t know but whether I like it or not I’m slowly wrapping up another chapter in my life before I start a fresh new one.