There’s very little I expect from people. I’m one to give and not want a lot in return and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I like the person I am and for a lot of the qualities I possess but that does not mean you can turn on asshole mode whenever you so please because I prefer to be quiet then loud. Just because I prefer to let things slide then create a scenario about it doesn’t mean you can trample on me and disrespect me as you please. I hate people who think their above other people and I dislike people that choose to use their manipulative and controlling ways to let a situation sway their way when at that moment all I want to do is take their nut sack and twist it to it’s worthless existence. I hate people that cannot show me respect, I am not your fucking bitch stop treating me like one. God DAMN!

So that’s it. My teaching position in Taiwan ended today with one of my favorite classes. It’s a weird feeling knowing I probably won’t be infront of a classroom teaching and getting to know kids anytime soon. I won’t be correcting their English and making jokes with them when the Chinese teacher isn’t looking. I won’t be in Taiwan much longer.

I don’t regret any of it, it was one of the smartest decisions I’ve made to venture off and learn while teaching. My kids have made some of the greatest impressions in my life and they will forever own a piece of my heart, I just hope I’ve done that for them too. It’s been a great chapter to live in for a while and I am thankful I was given the opportunity and strength to surpass it and feel it for all it’s worth.

When I come back home I’m going to make a bigger effort to be nicer to my dad. Before I left, the level of respect I had for my dad was next to zero. Words of the past would come out of my mouth like shots of fire. I was rude, I was inconsiderate. I snooped down to his level of anger and that is something I am not proud of. The respect I have for my dad is still next to zero, he has hurt my family and torn the woman of my heart; my mother, apart, for that I will never forgive him. But I do have a little more respect for me. And I would like to think that someday when I make the biggest mistake of my life, even though it will never ever amount to the damage he’s done in the lives of many, someone out there will lend a hand and still love me. Everyone wants to know that not their not alone, nobody wants to do it on their own. I am not the judge of anyone’s actions, he is my dad. And although he might not be a nice person, he’s alone. And for anyone that has ever been alone, for anyone that has ever had nobody to come home to and nothing to look forward to with not a voice that calls their name in delight, they know what levels of insanity they can reach.

I want to lend a hand to my dad and let him know I still love him because even though he’s never really done the same for anyone maybe it’s because he’s never learned how; maybe it’s time we teach him that he’s not alone out there. He still has me.

I hate saying goodbye to my kids it puts me in a vulgar mood. I hate that part of growing up and moving forward. I hate that I won’t ever see these kids again. I hate that this is the first time of a thousand more times ahead where it feels like theres a basketball stuck in my throat and I don’t know whether to cry or simply swallow and just be. I hate the way goodbyes make me feel.

She is finished. She dropped her last tear today.
Process of moving on concluded – she’s so far away
From all the memories of all the things that he used to say.
She left them in the trash with the roses he bought that day.

He is back on his game by his own self-proclaimed right,
Hasn’t called her number now in three whole nights.
Besides, he made a dozen unanswered calls a day, he thinks he put up his fight.
She really Loved him, but getting what he wants elsewhere is something so light.

She has successfully hopped back on her grind.
Cold mentality is back in effect while she’s schooling and working part time.
Late calls with new voices and nights-out keep her occupied.
She’s too grown for his bullshit anyways, he the farthest thing from her mind.

He doesn’t have to worry about her anymore.
No excess relationship weight to make his shoulders sore.
Now he’s free to do whatever with whoever, just like before.
Spent too long dropping only her panties over and over on the floor.

She gets off on how she independent she is,
Doesn’t have that immature fool always up in her business.
Now dudes find her self-sovereignty so attractive, so solid now that she isn’t his.
Life really tastes so much sweeter when it has a little fizz.

He is the same way he was at the very start.
After a while it doesn’t matter that he jack-knifed her heart.
Not like he has to deal with it while living so far apart
And he’s already checked off her name on his to-do chart.

She is ashamed of all the time that she spent
But she doesn’t bother spending any more on him to repent.
Deleted every last text message that he ever sent –
Remembered each one and desaturated herself of all the things he never meant.

He is eager and ready for the next,
Doesn’t think twice about her half the time because now she’s just an ex.
Looks back on it and smirks because it was some really good sex.
Fails to realize the gravity of what he has wrecked.

She has started something completely new,
But that will never change all the hurt that he put her through.
Some days she gets so caught up in how nothing he promised came true
And she wonders if he ever misses all the good they had too…

He is a player but a pretty boy is what he shows.
He’s still young so he isn’t settling down – that for sure she painfully knows.
Life’s short so play hard and stick hard, she messed up his flow.
The only time he’ll love them is when – well, you know how the song goes.

She thinks about him and just shakes her head.
When he comes up in conversation she wishes he would drop dead
Because she hates recalling all the fake sweet things that he said.
She knows she’ll never find someone to hold her the same way he did in bed.

He walks with a boulder on his shoulder – way too much pride.
She knows he’d choke if he had to swallow it, that’s why love died
But he doesn’t care enough to see how much it had hurt her inside.
He’ll never find love like that again if he searches the whole world far and wide.

She walks away, hands clean. She knows it’s done.
He was supposed to be temporary anyways, just a little summer fun.
Gave him a free crash course on love and he still managed to lose one,
But she’s been through enough to know there will be a better someone.

He knew what he wanted to get, he got a lot more
So he can carry on knowing he got what he came for.
At least now he’s learned to leave faster so he doesn’t get bored
And the next girl’s emotions will be that much easier to ignore.

She refuses to let the cry inside of her get out, she shuts her eyes tight
Every time her heart sinks in… She hates this part of each night,
When she lays awake and wonders what she didn’t do right,
But she shakes it off because he fucked it up to such an elevated height.

He is gonna miss the way she Loved him so much,
The way her head lay in his hand in bed – he’ll miss her touch.
He’ll never understand that if he ever fell, she’d wanted to be his crutch.
No other girl will play with his hair like her, hold hands like her, such and such.

She doesn’t care. There’s billions of people in this world
Many who can do the same thing with their tongue to make her toes curl.
Her heart deserves a thousand times better from someone real – of that she’s assured,
But now and then, a song plays out and she knows to whom her mind refers.

He doesn’t see how happy she is without him around.
He’s turned a blind eye to her existence even though sometimes he swears he hears her in the background
But he hears songs as well every once in a while and his heart starts to pound
And deep inside himself he wishes he could remember how her voice used to sound.

She only crumbles inside when she remembers,
Like the time he pushed her against the wall and kissed her – wishes she could stay in that moment for just a little longer.

He won’t ever forget the hug she held him in so tight that night in November,
He doesn’t understand that she trusted his forevers but they turned to never.

They will never ever – even if they try – ever, ever be the same
Neither of them will ever forget every time they hear each other’s names.
No matter how it’s looked at, the way it is now is such a shame.
Heartache and heartbreak – in the end only Love is to blame.

“Where do you want to be five years from now?”
“With you.”
“You don’t know where I’ll be – ”
“I don’t care where you’ll be.”
“Five years from now I could be dead…”
“So would I. I wouldn’t want to live without you.”
“That’s so irrational, there’s an entire world of possibilities out there – ”
“This world couldn’t possibly mean anything if you weren’t a part of it.”
“You’re funny. Sometimes I wonder about you.”

“That’s funny, I think about you all the time.”

I have officially spent eight months in Taiwan and I leave in two weeks, how do I feel about that? I don’t know but whether I like it or not I’m slowly wrapping up another chapter in my life before I start a fresh new one.

My mother and sister will be my family forever.

We are bound by love, by blood, by history. No one in the world makes me laugh or smile the way they do. Nobody else can make me feel as comfortable or happy as they can. And no matter how much we may change, their title will never change; they will always be family.

My girls will inevitably fade out of my life and into their own developing lives. They will become wives, mothers. We will unfortunately lose touch and they will become distant.

The men in my life will eventually move away and grow into their own. They will become husbands, fathers as much as I wish it not to happen we will, sooner or later, drift.

My boyfriends will never remain boyfriends. They will screw up, as done in the past, and be left as ex-boyfriends. Or they will man up and stay around long enough to become a husband.

Essentially, all other people familiar to me will change. But my family will always be my family.

In time, my sister will become a fiancee and then a wife – but she will still be my sister. My mother will find a husband or a lover and become a grandmother but she will still be my mother. They are my family through each mistake I learn from and every decision I make. They are my family through any pound I gain or lose and whatever hairstyle I may try. They are my family from the moment I was introduced into their lives. They will be my family when we’re old and wrinkled, popped up in rocking chairs with false teeth in our mouths. They will be my family after my heart puimps its final beat.

There is nothing I am more thankful for than my family.
I love you with all that I am.

I’m twenty days away from home and truth be told I don’t know how I feel about that. Granted, I am excited to go back to the world I know and have grown accustomed to but whether people realize it or not, this has been a world I have grown into and have become accustomed too. I’ve learned so much on my own and everyday is another day where I am able to venture out and figure something else out, something I never knew; another challenging opportunity I was able to conquer on my own. I love my kids, I love knowing that I’m making a difference on a regular basis. I love the simplicity of this country and I love how happy people are with no worries on how other people will regard them. I’m going to miss the stupid bell on the bus and how the bus drivers have no concept of breaking before they have to stop. I will also miss seeing Asians everywhere I go and getting everything at a disgustingly cheap price.

As much as I am excited to see my family and friends, a part of doesn’t want to leave this world I have figured out on my own. Something that I can say nobody helped me with, that I stepped into on my own will and lived through because I could. Sure home has opportunities, friends, family, everything that is comfortable but I also let go of a lot just like I did when I came to Taiwan. The only difference was I knew I was coming back, knowing I may possibly never see Taiwan and it’s people again is the bitter part of the equation of coming home. It’s all just bittersweet.

I’ve made my move up one floor. I have to say I like this room a lot better, it’s comfortable and it fits. I’ll be sad to leave the room behind, but it’s better to experience something then not, right?

My mommy got me a queen size bed! I’ve never had a bed bigger then a single to call my own and finally, FINALLY, at twenty one my mom went out and bought me a queen size bed. I love my mom, I am so blessed. My mom wants the best for her children, even if it means spending money;  she rather sleep well knowing her children are sleeping better. I miss my family so much, I miss my mom so much, I can’t wait to hug her.

With that being said, today is exactly 30 days till I board that plane and take my twenty six hour flight home.