If all goes well this will be the last essay I have to do till Sept. 2009.
I haven’t slept for the last twenty five hours because I’m great.
School is really taking a toll on me. May 16th couldn’t come sooner.
I can’t wait to just enjoy the last few months with everyone.
….This isn’t going to be easy.

PS. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFjMBwwyq0w  It made me laugh =)

I love her.

The one that owns a big part of my soul, the one that squeezes me till I’m blue in the face, the one that talks to my stomach, the one that lets me into her home and heart, the one that cooks for me at four am,  the one that makes me feel at ease…the one I can never get rid of.

We’ve gone through fights and arguments that last days to months. We’ve gone through minutes of uncontrollable laugther. We’ve gone through tears and moments of unexplained anger. She is my diary and I am hers. She knows everything and is still there. She is one of my best friends. She is my sister. And I write this with tears in my eyes because I love her so much. She is what kept me going on so many nights of pain. She was my strength when Markus passed away. She was my laugther when my heart broke to pieces. She was my self-esteem when I had none. She was my smile when all I had in me was anger. She was the one that stayed close when everyone felt so far away. She is my logic when infatuation hits me in a matter of twenty hours. She is the reason I believe. She is the bitch inside of me and I am her “Wal-Mart buyer”.

My beautiful serenity,
I will prove to you that a year is too short to get rid of me. I will come back and haunt you. I will come back and show up at your door and you better open because it costs 14.75 to get to Hamilton.
Three hundred and sixty five days is a joke compared to us.

__________

….On another note, I need to learn to let go of people that no longer put an effort to keep me in their lives.

This made me cry smile.

Me: ohhhhhh, they have my song! yay!
Me: I will marry the guy that dedicates it to me!
Markus: Ferhana
Markus: I wanted to dedicate something to u
Me: >=|
Me: I said, WHO DOESNT KNOW I LOVE THAT SONG. shmuck.

Markus: one day u will understand my main pik
(it was a picture of me on his t-mobile w/ headphones around it)
Me: okie
Markus: musik is what?
Me: depends
Me: escape, life, love to some people
Markus: hmm now go look at my main pik again

Markus: a adhd retarded white boy loves u dont you ever forget it

Markus: awww @last night u do love me <3

Markus: so welcome back to my moments hahahahhahaha sucker

Markus: this is #4 to make you smile

Me: life treating you good?
Markus: well its missing something kind of important
Me: what’s it missing?
Markus: you

Markus: u got fired from the zoo?
Me: zoo?
Me: who said i worked there?
Markus: i did
Me: I think you mistake me for other people sometimes
Me: because you think I live in a box
Markus: with an escelade
Me: and that i drive on a red road
Markus: and u work at the zoo
Me: oh yeah and think that i have a escalade
Markus: lol all of this is your fault
Me: how?
Markus: u have random ass away messages
Me: there was nothing about the flipping ZOO
Markus: eh not as intresting as what i made up
Markus: so from now on
Markus: your name is ferhana you live in a mansion you drive an escelade kuz your bently is at west coast custums you work at the zoo kuz you love animals you dont drive and text at the same time you have a driver and you sit in the back and sometimes u drive on a red road OH YEAH n ur actually pretty
Markus: wait can we change your name to hmm what do you think about juju?

I miss you so fucking much Markus.
Come Back Please.

It doesn’t get any easier…waking up every morning knowing your not a physical part of my life. I know you’re there though, I keep reminding myself constantly that you’re here. You gave me a world full of words, memories, hugs, and love to help me get through. I’m coming to see Markell, Alex, Elisa, JROC and you sometime before I leave to Taiwan. I miss you so much. I’m sure you’re looking down and laughing with all the things going on right now, it’s incredible and ridiculous all at the same time. I can’t believe it’s been two months since I’ve heard your voice or felt you give me one of your “to-die-for hugs”. I haven’t forgotten && I’ll never forget. You continue to be my inspiration through each passing day. You continue to be someone I seek guidance from before I do something I will end up loving or regretting && you definitely continue being one of my best friends. You’ve taught me to love and cherish each day, appreciate and hold close the ones I love. I know you’d be proud of how everything is unfolding now, I just wish you were here to be a part of it. I love you so much and I bet you’ll never know I regret nothing.

My heart races rapidly on a regular basis and will continue to pump ridicilously fast until May 16th. I need to graduate. I need to graduate, there’s no if’s and’s or but’s about it, I need to graduate. Please take a moment to put in a good word with the man above, as ridiclious as it may seem…it’s crucial.

 A random individual happened to come by my blog in his attempt of boredom and could relate to one of my entries. He talked, I listened. And at one point I wanted to reach out and give this stranger a hug. I’m not Oprah, Dr.Phil, etc. and I will never claim to be. But it really made me sad to hear that he was more concerned, ashamed, mad at himself for being depressed above anything else we talked about. Everyone hits the ground sometimes and it’s nothing to be ashamed about, it’s just a part of life. Don’t feel bad and don’t beat yourself up because you are down about something. Keep doing what you have to do and be the best possible person you can be despite the things that are going on in your life.

This stranger and I, had a conversation that lasted a few hours. At the end of the conversation he said “I just told you stuff I’ve been wanting to talk about for years and you just sat there, no gasp, laugh, sigh, or questions…you just listened, I really appreciate that”.

Sometimes that’s all you need to do, to have an individual trust in you for a moment, hours, days, years, is a chance for you to help someone, please take it.

Fortunately I’m blessed with a few people that will listen when I need to talk.
Thank you to the one that squeezes my blubber lol.
Thank you to the one that pats my back as though that qualifies as a hug.
Thank you to the one that has to mention the phrase “I told you so”
Thank you to the one that makes me cry when she speaks.
Thank you to the one that makes me smile when it feels like I can’t breathe.
Thank you to the one that continues inspiring me as each day passes.
Thank you to the one that never stopped believing in me.
Thank you to the one that provides positivity on a regular basis.

Find that person(s) in your life who you can open your soul too and use them. Talk to them, and tell them what’s going on with you…please don’t leave it all bottled in. There is nothing wrong with having a bad day, week, month(s), don’t be afraid of it and don’t be ashamed of it. Face it head on, and feel confident in yourself and your ability to deal with those problems. Take it from me, it’s possible to smile and laugh uncontrollably again.

I don’t have the answers to everything and I will never claim too. I haven’t lived a life compared to others, but I do listen and I will never judge. I promise you, you being a friend, an acquaintance, someone I haven’t talked to because of an argument, someone that stumbled on this blog, I promise I will listen and do the best I can to help. If you need to talk, pick up the phone and call me. Text me, email me, facebook me, send me a smoke signal, whatever you do just do it at any hour of the day, I’m there.

As usual, because you can never say it enough: Be strong, be positive. Be the best person you can be every day and try with everything you can to be a better person today than you were yesterday. Give all you have to give, anything less isn’t good enough. Challenge yourself. Leave your comfort zone. Chase your dreams. Smile.

And I’m done if you’re done
and cause of you, I’m through
If you can let go without a care
Why can’t I share in all the glorious pleasure too?

My heart just dropped. It dropped harder then it has in a few weeks. I’m filled with emotions. Elisa, the mother of Markell, the person who owned Markus’ heart, called me letting me know that Alex was now with her temporarily for reasons that don’t need to be discussed. Alex is my heart. He is the glimmer in my eye. That little boy is the reason I smiled and laughed uncontrollably on countless occasions. He was Markus’ heartbeat. He was the reason Markus made it as far as he did in life. Alex was Markus’ breath of air. I haven’t seen Alex for over half a year and to see pictures of Alex again broke my heart as much as it mended it. I am so thankful I have the opportunity to have Alex back in life, even if it is temporarily, but my heart also breaks into a million pieces. Everyday he’s growing to look like Markus, to know Markus will never be able to brag about a mini him, to know Markus will not ever see him grow, to know Alex will never hug his father again…I can’t for a second explain how that feels. Alex is his father’s son and I am so grateful that he is now in an environment where nobody will ever let him forget it.

Click Below To Enlarge

Please cherish your life. Please cherish the people around you. Take time to tell the people you love that you LOVE them. It’s not weakness, your not needy, and it doesn’t make you less of a man or a woman. Stay positive, you can’t go back and repeat a day so please make good choices, and make each day count. Smile often, laugh uncontrollably. Take a few minutes, no matter how busy you are, every once and a while to talk to those you love and those that love you. Be thankful for everything you have. Even if you have a job you hate, you have a job. Even if your friends are being really annoying, you have people who adore you. Even if you feel you can’t stand your family, you have a family who you can’t stand. Some people beg for a job, crave to call people there friends, wish they knew what a family was. Live life, please live life. We all have so much in front of us, so many opportunities and people that love us. Do not EVER take that for granted. Do not EVER take advantage of that. Smile more often. Listen. Talk to a stranger and make their day. Be positive. Let those that you love know, because everyone wants to know there needed sometimes. Please do not wait till it’s too late, please do not ever let what if become a factor. Give someone a hug and squeeze. Take a minute to reflect on how lucky you are, because you are so LUCKY to be able to breathe, to be able to experience life, to be able to live.

Stay strong, stay up, stay confident, and stay true to yourself and those that are around you and please do not ever, ever, ever forget that I will always to the best of my ability through whatever circumstance stay here for you.

To the pieces of my heart:

Everyday that passes is another day closer to not seeing you for a year. I’m going to miss every piece of my heart so much. Please know that I will miss you and I will be thinking about you every passing day. Please believe that a year is too short, too miniscule to break something so real. Please trust that I will want nothing more but to give you a hug that lasts a lifetime when I get back. Please never forget that I love you.

…It gets harder every passing day but it’s only one piece of an unfathomable picture that extends for a lifetime.

Early this morning a friend called me in tears because her heart felt like it was being ripped in two, and my heart broke for her. She’s not the type that would let another individual have an impact on her, let alone be in tears because her heart was beating viciously. This is for you.

I know what it’s like to feel pain like that.  To have things going a particular way for so long only to wake up the next morning and everything is different. I wish caution signs were invented to let us know when we’re nearing a bump in life. It’s a feeling that’s unlike the rest. It’s hard, really hard..right in the middle of a breakup, a heart ache to try and be classy. Sometimes when that hurt and pain goes away, even if it’s for a minute the first thing that comes to mind is anger. You go through pain, anger, sadness, depression, sleepless nights. It’s a constant cycle until you get over it. But what truly makes a strong person, a person with something to hold their head high about is a person who can stay positive, be strong enough to look at the person who broke your heart and say “You know what, I forgive you” or “We can still be friends” or “I DO still love you” REGARDLESS of the circumstance. But even if you can’t say it, find it in your heart  to forgive whatever wrong the person that captured your heart has done OR any other person. Stay positive, you have it in you. Look towards tomorrow because it’s so beautiful. Don’t hold a grudge, it will kill you, it will eat away at you until ever fiber has vanished. Instead try and show that person love, even if you feel they don’t deserve it because they probably need it the most. You don’t have to forget but I encourage you to forgive. Find the good in life, it’s out there…it’s everywhere. It’s really important to make sure you don’t turn into a negative person. It’s easy to let things eat you up and be a grumpy, negative, pessimistic person. Don’t let that happen. Remember ultimately that it will all work out in your favor if you strive to be a good person. Even though it’s not fair, and I know it’s not fair, don’t let it affect you in a way that will bring you down. Remember it. Don’t forget it EVER. Always remember it, and learn. Don’t be a bitter person because of it. Life’s too short, too precious, too beautiful to allow people to be your downfall.