Today’s going to make me or break me and the sheets of paper before me at 7pm will determine the next year of my life. Though I’m hoping for a positive outcome, obviously; at the end of the day I’ll know when it’s over I gave it my absolute all. Every part of me took the time and effort to understand and comprehend the material before me over and over. My mind was committed and my heart desired this from the very start. All I can do now is take the next few hours and continue to emerge myself in information and let destiny take it’s part when the pencil hit’s the desk. I was given the opportunity to change things around for myself and I took it. I took it for what it’s worth and I drained it lifeless. I suppose when it’s over tonight, I’ll feel a sense of relief because everything I could have done to make the situation better is permanently out of my hands. All I’ll be left to do is wait and prepare myself mentally and emotionally for whatever the outcome. I have twelve hours plus, to take this for all it’s worth; let’s do this…again.

This is for the man that still holds a big part of my heart. The man that made me smile with his voice that screeched in excitement. The man that never let a day pass without being a constant part of my life. This is to the man that taught me what it feels like to lose control with nothing holding me back. The man that would travel twenty minutes to give me a one minute hug. To the man that saw the world in me and would not let a minute pass without making sure I saw it. To the man that would listen to me complain about reoccurring issues and always be equally as interested every time. To the man that never judged me and always held me high. To the man that trusted me with his heart, with his thoughts, with his emotions, with his soul – Alex. To the man that came into my life right when I needed him. Who taught me what it feels like to stand on my own without ever letting me fall.

This is to my inspiration. To my best friend. To my armor. To the one that protected me. To the one that became my logic when it felt like I had none. To the one that wiped away my tears. To the one that held me tight. To the one that made me laugh. To the one that made me cry. To the one that taught me how to appreciate my life.

This is to him; Three months later and I still wish you would somehow reappear in my life. I still hope that somehow I’ll hear your voice. Turn around and see your face. Feel your arms around me and tell me everything is alright.

You continue to be my inspiration and I would have it no other way.

09.30.83 – 01.25.08
I love you – Fly Free.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KCvjZvzqlHk

She is the apple of my eye. She’s become the highlight of my life in so many ways - ways that nobody else can compete with. Her quirky attitude and undeniably beautiful smile makes anyone feel loved (or stupid, depending on the situation). Her sense of humor is one I enjoy being in the presence of. Her ability to stay grounded and fight for what makes her happy on a regular basis makes me more then proud. She makes me proud. In everything she does, from the little things she believes in and attempts to try to the big thing’s she’s achieved in a short while. Her persistence and constant need to accomplish set goals is something not every person is capable of. I look forward to her hugs, she squeezes as though she’ll never let go. Her laugh warms my heart like no laugh ever has. She’s beautiful in every sense of the word, from the obvious to the insecurities she possesses still not knowing it’s what defines her perfection. Her sense of style and elegance is one she possesses and holds high without knowing its something she attains. And when she’s surrounded by the people she loves, be it family or friends, her sense of energy and aura transforms into one that forces you to glance and smile. I’ll always be proud to be able to say that she’s my little sister. She grows every time I see her in mind, body and soul. Sometimes within a conversation she’ll say something that makes me realize how much shes grown and how well she’s growing into herself. She makes me so proud. She’s my laughter. She is what eases my heart. Surprisingly enough sometimes she becomes my logic. She is my inspiration to do better. My strength to face the world. She is my heart beat and a big part of my soul. Without her I’d lose a big part of me – I don’t even think she knows how special she is.
I love you.
P.S. Rock, Paper, Scissors…I win =) 0/3

The feeling in my soul is going to take control. Nobody can hold me down if I really want it. You can see it in my eyes, now that the day is here…I’m going to go and get it.

My positivity has been lacking lately and it’s not something I enjoy. Maybe it’s because of all the stress or maybe it’s because of the simple fact that I’m human and I’m not always capable of holding myself up. Either way I give myself until the end of finals (the 29th) and after that I should shift back into my optimistic mode. Granted, if everything finds a way to work itself out I should stay there for a while.

Roslyn and I had a very big heart to heart today about something important. Even though it’s a constant and repetitive cycle of words and phrases she finds a way to hear me out even while she rolls her eyes she listens and for that I thank her. She said a lot to me that I needed to be reminded about today and though she believes it doesn’t make a difference – it does. It allows me to rethink the position I’m in. We’re both hoping that sooner then later we grow to miss those talks because they’ve been around for too long.

I went into vulnerable mode tonight and I haven’t been there for a while. The mode where the idea of being alone and miserable becomes more realistic then you thought. Most days I’m content with either not thinking about it or believing that in time he will find his way to me or vis versa, whoever he is. Although tonight was one of those nights where I contemplated what would happen if I didn’t get there, if I didn’t get to a point where I could let my heart exhale into someone else’s arms – someone who was true. My friends do a good job of reminding me of all the things I have going for myself, the fact that I shouldn’t be worried because someone, somewhere will see it. I suppose the biggest problem I have is that I don’t see it.

I’ve really hit a bump lately. The state of vulnerability and pessimism has been an ongoing phase for me the past couple of weeks. But I’ll continue fighting the urge to just crawl under my blanket and just be. The next couple of weeks should be busy with studying and then I’m back home with family and they always find a way to make things right.

I could really use a hug from him right now, I miss you Markus.

So I got the official letter from my professor today. I can’t tell you how much my heart twisted and turned before opening it. Turns out though the conversation we had was one he took to heart. I’ve never been happier with a forty nine in my whole entire life. Know what that means? The balls back in my court. For so long I wished that I could personally do something about it instead of wait for results to come in and now I can. I have a week and a day to pull of at least a sixty on the exam to pass the course. I’m going to do this – I have too. There’s no other choice. It’s going to take a lot of studying and a lot of hours of understanding but who ever said fighting for what you want was going to be easy? It’s just going to make it that much more glorious for me when I walk down the stage at convocation and get on my plane ride to explore the world for a year.
“You got this” – Markus.

I’ve been feeling mellow lately. No anticipation for the outcome, I think I’ve drained myself mentally and emotionally. I’m sure if things don’t go the way I hope they do I’ll go on a downward spiral but until then I’m just here. I had my first final yesterday didn’t feel like much of anything, I’ve really just become meh towards school. On the other hand my mom and dad come here on Sunday to move all my stuff back to Richmond Hill so it’ll be a week of an airbed, a tv on the floor and my laptop; ohh I’m so excited. I won’t be able to do any of the organizing in my basement since my parents will be setting it up but I’ll probably have to shift things around to my liking when I go home after finals. Eleven days. I really wish things would just find a way to come to a positive end, it’s draining me.

On a happy note, Here’s another picture of Markell.
It’s official: Four men rule my heart.

Random Facts About Me (Requested by a friend):

1. I live in sweats and pjs.
2. I cuddle to the wall when I sleep
3. I bite my friends randomly
4. I lust for phone sex
5. Im virginized or not? We’re still debating.
6. Im addicted to facebook
7. Im a strong believer in Karma, especially since its been hitting me recently
8. Without my glasses I would be legally blind
9. I collect movies yet I occasionally watch them
10. I got my nose pierced in the same spot three times yet its closed again
11. My first tattoo took 2 hours & 45 min and my second one took 30 min.
12. There’s only two men that mean the absolute world to me
13. The last four digits of my cell = HANA.
14. I’ve gone to Africa six times since I was eleven.
15. I fell in love with the man I was never with as opposed to the two I was with.
16. Till this year, I didn’t know how to light a lighter.
17. Markus wrote me a letter that I have yet to read.
18. I like pineapple’s on my pizza.
19. I dropped out of school in grade eleven.
20. I’ve never had a funnel cake from Wonderland or a Krispy Cream donought.

I think yesterday was one of the most stressful, tedious, aggravating day’s I’ve gone through in a while. Usually I can find a glimpse of hope to hold on to throughout the day, I’m good with remaining optimistic although yesterday was a whole new chapter and then some. I think the only two highlights of my day were; the little brown man at the clinic and reminiscing about Markus. When you go through a good twelve plus hours and you can find two things that made you content…that’s sad. I’m so use to picking up the phone and calling Markus when things go wrong or I need someone to be stupid with me, someone who I know always had time lol – He always said four sentences to me that were so repetitive I found myself saying it back when I hit the ground. And because I’m sentimental and corny I put it as my desktop. He’d be laughing at me right now.

I think I jinxed myself when I said life was good a couple of weeks ago. I should have knocked on wood damnit; shoulda, coulda, woulda…didn’t. I’m tired of telling myself the same useless shit: In time it’ll be fine, It’ll make me stronger, I need to stay positive, All finds a way to end well…yada yada yada;

Bullshit.