Lately I’ve been surrounded by the people I love on a constant basis, outside of family. There’s times where people have taken the time and traveled the distance to see me and vis versa. The people that have taken time out of their life to spend time with me or planned for something in the upcoming weeks – thank you. It’s easier said then done in the busy life of many to find time for those you love. Luckily I’ve been blessed with the majority of my friends who appreciate and honor as well as work hard to maintain a relationship as much as I do.

Speaking of relationships, for the past day or two I’ve hit my empty spot. Nothing big or too concerning, I just miss that person in my life. Someone outside of the friendship or family zone. Someone who gives me butterflies and makes my heart skip a beat. I so badly want to feel the cliche feeling of seeing their name pop up on my phone or feeling their arms wrapped around me for a hug that lasts longer then the rest. There’s a lot that I want in a person and there’s a lot I’ve received in a person when I’ve settled. And I think like the majority of people out there, I want to find ‘that person. I’m not saying he has to last for a lifetime, but for right now for this moment in time, I want to find the one that satisfies me; emotionally, mentally and physically. I’ve been through my share of heart ache but I’ve also been through my share of moments where I felt like I was on top of the world && I really do long for that feeling again even if it is temporary. For the most part I try not to doubt the fact that it’s coming with patience. But there’s moments where I look around and see those that are happy and content and have been so for years. Those that are fighting to hold on to the one they love. Those that are starting the stage of infatuation. Those that have that person they are eyeing and hope to be seeing soon. I currently have none of the above. I just am. Sometimes it brings me relief, no drama. But with that comes nobody to fight for, nobody to long for, nobody to lust for and nobody to love. My mind and heart become too empty for their liking sometimes. I don’t see myself as being desperate or in a constant attempt to fill that gap in my life but I do see myself just like most people, wanting that gap to be filled.

I definitely experienced my first downfall for heading to Taiwan today. Until today everything seemed interesting, entertaining, rainbows sunshine and bunny rabbits. And then I got my placement, I’ll be placed in Taipei County which is on the suburbs of Taipei && I was assigned to contract B. Two and a half hours of kindergarten students Monday to Friday and different levels in the language school for a total of thirty hours Monday – Saturday afterwards. Though I received the contract with the highest pay I also received the contract that would not allow me to work with children solely. I now will be assigned to different levels of English and different levels of students between the ages of 6-15. In addition to that these are courses they take in addition to their heavy workload at school. So for the most part as much as I’m hoping to receive children who are obedient and eager to learn I know I’ll have the children that wish they could go home, relax and be with their friends. I pretty much hit the slumps as soon as I found out I would not be surrounded by kindergarten students for the year. Luckily Christina the recruiter for Canada called me explaining the situation to me, explaining that lesson plans will be provided, a lot of different people will be within my county and a lot of other things that put my nerves to an ease. I know going into the situation this will be one of my many hits that make me want to hide under a blanket and stay in Canada. It’s scary, moving to a different place for a year and leaving your comfort zone. Experiencing something that has no button that allows you to be in the comfort of your own home within minutes. I’m going to have to tough this out, no matter how bad or how good it’s going to be – It’s where I’m going to be for a year. I still expect nothing but good memories and good experiences coming out of the year. I suppose today was just a reminder that everything won’t be as organized and as set as it is in my mind but like everything else it will find a way to work itself out. Whether it’s through a person that took time to call and explain things to me or whether it’s through my own grasp around the situation. Somehow it will find a way to get better. Fifty Five Days.

I haven’t been myself lately. I’ve been rude and cranky. All I want to do is be left alone, preferably in my basement. I don’t pick up or respond to a lot of people. My mom says I’m mad all the time. My self esteem is near zero lately. I wake up and go to sleep miserable. And the worst part is..I can’t figure out what triggered it or why. Sigh* – What goes up must come down.

Four months. And not a day goes by where I don’t think of you. Not a day goes by where I don’t wish you were here. It still stings and I think it always will but you’d be glad to know that the people that knew you and love you including myself are doing a pretty unbelievable job of being proud of what was rather then what isn’t. We cherish, appreciate and value the life you lived for the time you were here. And not a day goes by where I don’t remember the words of wisdom you offered me and the unconditional love you unselfishly gave me. Inspiration never fades, you will always…always live on through me.

It’s the small things that count. You don’t have to do anything huge to be nice or to make someone else’s day that much better. I have my moments where I will text a person(s) randomly, on some occasions asking how they’re doing, how their family is etc. Sometimes its like “we’re fine why?”. It’s funny, people are unaccustomed to it, to the extent that it worries them when you ask them. I’ve had moments where I would text a few important people in my life letting them know I love them and the responses vary from “are you drunk?” “is everything okay?” “what do you want” or “how random”. Why can’t everything be absolutely fine and why can’t I think of you and appreciate your existence in my life to remind you that I love you or that someone out there is hoping your day goes well. I called my mom yesterday and she’s like “Farhana what’s going on” semi-worried and I’m like “nothing I just wanted to see how your day was going mommy..” and she’s like “oohh OHH okay! it’s good, blah blah”. Why does something have to be wrong for me to call my mom and check in on her?

It’s unfortunate that society is too fast paced for us to even inquire about the well being of those we interact with on a regular basis. I don’t think it takes much to let somebody know you care about them or that you’re there for them. If you know a friend likes a particular brand of say chocolate and you see it at the store, what’s the big deal in picking them up for a few bucks? If your neighbor’s kid likes something, why not grab it for them? Some see it as weakness, some see it as being dependent I see it as being the person that allows another to smile – maybe I’m wrong but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

All I’m trying to say is, something that is for the most part NOT a big deal for us, can end up being the highlight of some other person’s day. If you come across this, whoever you are, whenever you read this – I challenge you to make somebody’s day today; anybody. If you think a co-worker is looking good, let them know. If you haven’t talked to a friend in a while, send them a text, touch bases. Call someone and let them know you love them. Stop by and give someone a hug. Send a facebook message, msn. Technology has made life easier. It doesn’t take much but it can really brighten up someone’s day.

Make the best of the day because you won’t be getting it back tonight.

P.S. To You: Love is but a once in a life time thing, unless you kill yourself after you’ve given your heart out once. Prepare for another fall.

To my two beautiful little angels who have touched my heart in more ways then one. I love you. Happy Birthday Antwuan and Tyrell.

My life has been centralized around drama lately but through process of elimination I think it has no choice but to decrease. I’ve realized that years that are attached to a friendship can become meaningless in a matter of seconds. Each person out there sooner or later is left with a decision to fend for themselves or attempt to hold on to something or someone that can possibly be real, 9/10 people fend for themselves. It’s a cruel and selfish world out there but I can never say that I was unaware because it’s shown itself to be apparent since I was a toddler, I just chose to ignore it. It worked as a great self defense mechanism until I couldn’t ignore the truth any longer.

I can’t believe days are passing by so quickly. I’m almost at my two month mark this Saturday, scary. I’m slowly shitting my pants about leaving for a year and three weeks but I also keep reminding myself that it’s only a year and three weeks. I’m sure I’m going to come back a different person, stronger, wiser and more determined to face the world and succeed in the list of goals and achievements I have yet to conquer.

I don’t have much going on in my life recently other then the drama of other people. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or bad – a life so busy nothing else can exist but what is. I guess I can’t complain but something is always lurking in the shadow’s, I’ll just patiently wait for it to show itself.

I never understood why they gotta be fake
As if you’re sparing my feelings by lying to my face.
If you have the balls to say it then why hesitate?
There should be nothing more needed to contemplate -
Just say it.
It’s sad to know that this ‘pathetic girl’ is more than you could ever dream
Just where is the self respect, truth, love and honesty?
Seems like that sort of idea in life isn’t anywhere to be seen.
Isn’t that why humanity doesn’t give a damn for a thing?
Just a bunch of insecure demonds feeding off broken dreams.
So,
How can I respect you, when you can’t respect such a belief?
Why would I trust you when you’re as honest as a thief?
How can I care to love you when you’re as fake & plastic underneath?
How dare you point the finger when I’m the only one who would honestly speak?
All of this irony leaves me quite tongue in cheek.
A real friend would put you in check not afraid if you’d hate them or be upset.
They care more about you and really what is best
Than to let your life fall apart because they’re too scared to confess
& I wonder just where are the rest?
All stabbing their betrayal under my chest
All pretending to me that they make me blessed
The proof lies in this broken and bleeding mess
Sometimes this reality is a little hard to digest
But in the end it’s only truth, love, honesty && respect that I will profess.

For so long I’ve avoided coming to my grandpa’s house for many reasons. Some of it having to do with not seeing my dad, some with having to not wanting to communicate with my grandpa and a lot had to do with the atmosphere and environment but I forgot the most important one until I went up the stairs, Markus. His memories and his presence was imprinted everywhere. From the elevators, to the staircase, to the building door, to my grandpa’s door, to the condo itself, to the steps leading to the pathway, the bench, the convience store, the parking lot even the little hill beside the tree, especially underneath the tree. My heart stopped for so long and I let tears escape me. He was everywhere. Last summer I spent the majority of my time at my grandpa’s because work was closer and I was taking a lot of summer school. Because the majority of my time was spent here, the majority of Markus’ time was spent here too. The buses were he would come off to see me. The long walks we would take. The bus I met him on. This whole area is imprinted with him…with us. My heart actually hurts right now. I need a rewind button in life.

Sigh, in other news. My mommy keeps realizing as everyday passes that….everyday is passing. So she calls me randomly to remind me that if I think I cant take it, if I think Im going to die and if I think someone is going to kill me to come home asap. Im a solider though I’m going to tough this one out, the worst thing that can possibly happen (not including death or anything horrible) is this will be the worst year of my life, I’ll get over it.

I spent some much needed time with Cruci. It was needed, it was very much needed. We watched street kings or whatever, good movie. Def. recommend it if you like the action, drama, shoot bang bang kill type of movie. We went for a big honking steak after that and chilled in his car, walked around, the good stuff. I can’t even tell you how time flew, we talked about anything and everything. Then I had to go home because my grandpa was waiting or we would have roamed the streets till we couldn’t roam no more. It was nice being able to talk & talk & talk..and talk. I missed him. I forgot how much I missed him. He gave me a kiss on the cheek and called me to make sure I got upstairs alright. It was a good night. I hope to see him at least one more time before I leave.

Tomorrow I get to see two other friends and I’m excited! As much as I dislike being here sometimes it def. allows me to see more of my friends. Family’s being good too. I’m learning to hold on a little tighter to them after all they are going to be here long after ‘friends’ will. I need to learn to put this half of my family as a priority again, because depsite it all they love me through it all, without conditions, no questions asked. It’s hard to find love like that in this world.

Despite that! I get poked with a bunch of needles by the doctor on Tuesday get my passport on Wednesday and go the TECO office to authorize my medicals later on in the afternoon and then go to work! I need to spend more time with my mom. I would have gone back tomorrow but my grandpa want’s me to stay an extra day and my mom would prefer it if I did since I don’t know when I’ll have time to visit them next. But putting that all aside, I’m regaining my sense of optimisim. It’s still hard and a big chunk of me feels incomplete, empty and miserable but I’m learning to push it aside and feel geninuely happy for the people around me and most importantly, for myself.

For the past couple of weeks, going onto a month I’ve been frequently thinking of someone in my past. He was an ongoing part of my life for approximately five years, and rode on my rollarcoaster of emotions and weakness. Last year he attempted to get back in touch with me, but we ended on a bad note after frequent tries because our hearts were in different places. From that we let go and he let go, surprisingly never attempting to contact me again. I attempted to email him but his email account is expired and invalid now. I even went to the extent of contacting Telus to see if they still had numbers dialed or received from last summer but it only goes back to eighteen months – no luck. I really with all my heart miss him as a part of my life and would be more then happy if I could talk to him, to see how he’s doing; to have him be a part of me again. I suppose I’ve reached my dead end and I’ve changed my number so even if he were to attempt to call me he’d reach his dead end too. The only glimmer of hope is my first cell phone that may possibly have his number stored but is dead and I can’t find the charger. I’ve learned one thing out of it, hold on to people for as long as you can. I’m sorry I let go, I miss you.