So I fucked up my back yesterday, go figure. It kills but as usual mommy took good care of me. I wonder how I’m going to survive in Taiwan without the ongoing love and attention of my mommy. Thankfully it’s only a year and twenty days and then I’m back home, where I belong.

I can’t put down New Moon the sequel to Twilight for the life of me. I’m on page 143 and I started today, thanks Alisha.

Tomorrow’s July, great. It’s going to be one of the hardest yet satisfying months for me. I get to spend a lot of time with mommy and my sister. A lot of time with my friends. But then there’s the goodbye, I can see myself crying for days. I bet the people on the plane are going to think I’m a tad insane. Which is percisley why I’m taking the new journal my mommy gave me for graduation and a pen in my hand luggage. I still wonder if I’m going to have a chance to say goodbye to a few people. Actually who am I kidding, I only wonder if I’ll be able to say goodbye to him which is a disappoint in itself because with friends you shouldn’t wonder if an event so significant is going to follow through. We’ll see, those words ring a constant yet disturbing bell in my memory.

The twenty fourth is going to approach faster then I know and I am attempting to prepare myself for that. I was reading about the school on the website and the different facilities that are offered and I got some good information passed down to me. I’m going to be in the city but a couple of notches down. A lot of the Chinese traditions will still be apparent in the area, which I’m happy about because I want to be able to live in a different atmosphere. There’s a big park close to my school with the gym, I intend to join (you can stop laughing now) we’ll see how far that goes. There’s also a lot of bookstores and theaters close by, so I’m really excited to explore the culture and everything it has to offer. As long as I keep an open minded and my fears to a minimum I think I should be good, I’ve made it this far already.

Congratulations on Spain winning by the way to all the fans out there.

Other then that I think I’m going to go back to flipping the pages of New Moon till my sister comes down so we can watch a movie and hopefully fall asleep after that.

I just finished Twilight if you’re attentive with Facebook bumper stickers then you’ll at least have heard of it. I wasn’t to keen on reading it until my sisters persuasion kicked in with her constant praising of the book. She eventually asked if not pleaded for me to read the first chapter and give it back to her if I wasn’t interested. That was a considerable step for her considering she doesn’t let anyone read her Twilight series. The first chapter, and 400 pages that continued after it I found myself emerged in it. Its more teen based but I found interest in it. Emerged in it enough for me to have finished the last two hundred pages today and having bought the next book that follows New Moon after that comes Eclipse and the last one, the title I don’t remember. I’ll probably start the next one in the series tomorrow.

I don’t think it’s really hit me that I’m leaving in twenty five days. It hasn’t hit me enough for me to be go into panic mode. Every time I think of leaving, I think of escaping the world for a year and being in a new circumstance while learning about myself. When the thoughts of not being home for a year, saying goodbye to my mom at the airport, finalizing last minute arrangements kick in I quickly shove it to the back of my brain. It still feels like something that’s going to happen in the distant future. Twenty five days isn’t distant and I think everyone has realized that but me. I’m terrified. I think of starting conversations with people I don’t know, being in an atmosphere that is new to me, the fear of rejection, the fear of being different from everyone else and not fitting in into their standards and beliefs, the fear of not knowing if I can handle everything that comes with not being home and away from your family and friends for a year and twenty days. All of this and more just makes me want to crawl into my room and stay in my basement. But I’ve pursued this path for a reason and I know that I just hope that I am as strong of a person as I keep telling myself I am.

…Good God knows I’m scared shitless ,sometimes I wonder what I’ve gotten myself into.

It’s been a long and frustrating day. My self image is getting to me again lately which then has a negative effect on my day which cycles into having a negative effect on my attitude towards people. I’m not as friendly and easy going towards strangers or more importantly my mom when I hate what they have to see; me. I need a lot of fixing up to do, it would definitely make it a lot easier to deal with my surrounding environment instead of going into constant mood swings depending on how delusional I am towards my mirror on an ongoing basis. I hope a lot of the energy finds it’s way to positive uses when I leave or maybe it’s wishful thinking, we’ll see. I hope these cycles of mood swings don’t find a front row seat with me to Taiwan, I have a few weeks to push them aside and forget. I wish I knew how to be content with me.

Dear Asshole,

I live a life that is humble and I am grateful of my surroundings. I respect and honor the people around me. I know that this is a blessing and in no ways whatsoever am I planning to live off of what is being offered at this point. My family is helping me on my ladder to success and when I get to the top, and I promise you I will – when I get there their good karma will be repaid. I have a sister to look after & a mother to care for. They do what they can now and I will do what I can when I am capable. What goes around comes around. Do not pass judgment on me. I work for what I achieve and if my goals and dreams want to reach the fucking sky, if I want a gold platted mother fucking mustang with my name imprinted in diamonds, IF THAT’S MY GOAL, IF THAT’S MY DREAM, IF THAT’S MY ASPIRATION, you better believe if my heart & mind wants it bad enough; I will achieve it.

Do not blame your lack of life and motivation on me. Because you are older and less capable does not make me feel bad for you. It does not make me wish you were in a better condition because you chose to go down this route. I believe every person is capable, I believe dreams do come true, I believe if a person wants something bad enough it can be attained. Nothing is impossible. Do not attempt to step on me to get yourself higher with your delusional’s. The lies, manipulation and self rationalization you line up with yourself as a self defense mechanism will eventually fade. You will eventually have to face yourself. Layers stripped, lies shoved to the side, nothing but the truth…just you. And God Bless Your Soul when you see everything everyone else has for so long, because it’s not pretty.

I was laying in bed, lights off, fan in my face getting ready to doze off into the world of the unknown for hours. Usually before I go to sleep, I play around with my phone – it’s a stupid habit but I find myself doing it more often then not. And before I was about to flip it closed I looked at the date, Thursday June 26th 2005. Five months. My heart sunk at the fact that it’s been five months without him physically. He would have enjoyed the rollarcoaster of events that have been happening. There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t wish he was here. I’d just like to say don’t take the people that love you for granted. It’s something a lot of people do on a regular basis. There’s no reason for it, it’s a world of technology everyone’s connected by some type of network. You would make sure to let your boss know if something needed to be changed or rearranged. You are very capable of paying important bills on time. Everyone finds the time to put food in their fridge. Take a shower and appear clean to the outside world. That all takes time and effort, and it’s a necessity in life. Too often then not people believe that connecting with your loved ones is an option. It’s not. It’s not. Many believe because someone loves them they will constantly be there and they might; they just might. But that doesn’t give anyone the right to take advantage of an emotion that is so true and rare. Love the people around you. Take the time to let those people know that they are thought of and cared for. Appreciate, respect and never fail to realize that only the moment you have before you is right this second. Nothing else after that is guaranteed.

There’s so many people that think life is infinite. They don’t realize that we might not have years or months. That next week when you want to call someone to say hi is not promised. Nothing is promised. Do what you can do now at this very moment. Because I’m pretty sure if it wasn’t for those people you would only be half of the person you are today.

If I could do it all over again with him, I’m proud to say I would do nothing differently. He knew I loved him with every chance he got. Never doubted it because I never allowed him too. If I could do it all over again the only thing I would change is to tell him I love him again, but I know he knows. I hope that you can all say that with the people you love & those that love you.

RIP Markus; I hope your doing good up there.

A glimpse of us till the night before he passed. RIP Markus; 01.25.08

My sister passed Math & English today. I’m so proud of her. She had to deal with some obstacles when it came to those two subjects one being her fault and the other the stupidity of her teacher. She worked for her grades, from going to tutors to studying till the sun came up and then after that. She deemed herself determined and motivated and got through her obstacle. It’s not so much that she passed the course more so the effort and determination that got her to that passing grade. I gave her a card and twenty bucks. Not much, but a gesture appreciated. A way of saying I believe and I will always be proud of her and then I appealed to any humans greed with money. A little bit of both in an envelope sealed. She is my little sister and I need to care for her and let her know she’s cherished through it all, the up’s and down’s, the passes and the fails and the good and bad. She’s doing great so far.

I on the other hand have found another goal to be determined about. This time it’s materialistic. I lust for it. I drool over it. I envy it. I crave it. I want to see myself in it. I want it in my driveway. I want my name to be attached to the license plate. I want it by my twenty third birthday. September 1st 2010. And I will earn my way to it.

Today is officially a month before I leave the country for a year and twenty days. To think the next time this date hits, a month from now I’ll be leaving at 8:00am and the following day I will be typing from Taiwan. Scary. Every time I let my mind wander to the extent of which I’m leaving the country I quickly let the thoughts drain elsewhere. I haven’t realized it, not a bit, not at all, not a little. I keep trying to fit my friends in whatever spare time I have and my family every spare second I have. It’s hard. All the stress but more importantly all the people and memories to create before I’m left without them physically for a year.

I still remember the day I let the thought of teaching abroad escape into my mind. It was a silly thought, not one that I thought I would follow through with. But like most people know, once I’m determined or say I’ll do something I usually follow through. I just never thought I would follow it through to the end. For some reason it came into my life unexpectedly and within minutes I wanted it so much – I knew I was going to get it and I did. Now I’m left to experience it. I guess fear is a part of it. I just hope your all here waiting when I come back, because there’s nothing I’m going to want to do more then come back to your hugs, laughter, smile and love.

My mom & I were watching the news today and of course we tuned in when they were talking about the typhoon in the Philippines and of course the last phrase was “it’s heading to Taiwan”. My mom’s first instinct was to hold her chest, squeeze and cry. She doesn’t think I’m coming back; I’m going to prove her wrong like I have every time. When you love something let it go && it will surely come back to you. I will come back, alive & breathing with stories to tell of laughter and stupidity; I promise mommy.

My sister and mommy just came trampling down the stairs to say hi. Great gesture and I would have appreciated it if I wasn’t sleeping. Now I’m up while they sleep. I bet it’s karma for something or another I can’t recall.

Today was an interesting day, only because I did all of nothing. It hit my family that I really was leaving when we opened the suitcase and starting putting items in. I realized I can’t take everything I want so I’m going to have to cut back a lot. That’s okay though because I’m assuming most of it is just over packing and I should be able to find a lot of necessities in Taiwan.

Ugh, sometimes my mom gets to me. Constantly reminding me of what needs to be done in terms of emailing the school, setting up applications, documentations, and nagging about things that need to be purchased. I get it, I really do. In her paranoia she sucks the living life of the experience itself sometimes, gosh.

I think if she comes down one more time tonight because she forgot to mention something she’s already mentioned a thousand times today, I’ll freak.

I apologize for the last two blogs that were recently put on private. I realized it’s just a matter of me and my heart and has no reason to be publicized, possibly when my heart has settled and it’s become a matter of the past I’ll expose my thoughts.

They didn’t lie when they said it would be easier with every step. I’m going to miss him there’s no denying that but what I won’t miss is the disappointment attached.

But scratch that, I get to see a close friend of mine on Monday, she never fails to make my heart feel at ease. Earlier that morning I have to go to the TECO office to apply for my resident visa since my work permit was just sent. Tuesday is exactly a month till I leave. Wednesday I work a measly four hour shift. And as soon as Saturday hits, I only have three more Saturdays here. I’m scared. I try not to think about it; a year. I force myself to think of the positive but when it comes down to it, I’ve never been so scared in my life. I’m going to miss my family and my friends; the selected few.

I really feel like just crawling under my blanket and just be. As much as I try to avoid it, this stings. How do you say goodbye to four years and six months?