I miss home. I miss the comfort of security. I miss coming home to either my family or my friends who are my second family on a regular basis. Taiwan is amazing, the people are great but despite it all on a risk of ringing in the negativity, it will never be home. I was walking home from the hotel tonight and this overwhelming feeling of discontent hit me. The whole knot in your throat, can’t wait to get up into your room to cry feeling. And I did, I cried and cried. Called home collect and cried some more with an added bonus of consuming comfort food; McDonalds. There really is no place like home. There’s nothing like family. There’s nothing like friends. There’s nothing like security. But there’s also nothing like a new experience. It’s hard, it’s hard to get up and know a year awaits before you see the ones you love but it would be harder knowing I quit. I’m going to pull through this, the ups and downs because the most comforting feeling is knowing this is just a year of my life, good or bad, it’s a year. My family will always be there, my true friends will always be there and it’s the best feeling having their support even through words. The most rewarding things are never easily attained. I’m learning it’s okay to sulk as long as I get myself up and I will, only because I know I wouldn’t have this decision remade in any other way.

Here I am, in a world away from home. There’s so much to know, understand, see and experience outside of the confidents were so use too. Taiwan is a beautiful place with so much to experience. I know right now it’s only the uphill slope and soon enough I’ll go through frustrations and negative experiences but I’ll enjoy the positivity while it lasts. If there’s anything that Taiwan has reminded me of it’s life is truly what you make of it. I know I probably sound like some stupid hallmark book but it’s true, there’s so much to life then daily routine. It doesn’t matter where you are or what you do, it’s how you live it.

I definitely want to travel more in the future because every country is a world of it’s own. I’m thinking of going to Singapore for a week to teach, it’s a program offered as a part of Hess. I figure soon enough I’ll have accomplished a year, so an additional week in another country would just add to the experience and memories. It truly is amazing though. Everything from seeing a beautiful structured temple with people who are so dedicated with their beliefs and faith. There’s huge memorial halls that are so beautifully detailed with huge statues of people that are important, guards that guard them who served in the Navy or Airforce that protect it. One of the memorial halls had seven nine steps that represent the year he was born, to be able to see this huge statue of him and I climbed them! When can you ever say you climbed seventy nine steps to view a statue in Taiwan. You see monks on the road who are dedicated to prayer and scooters zooming in and out of traffic. The faint smell of sewer and of course there’s the humidity and sweat everywhere tagged along with the smog and pollution but it’s there world, it’s what they know, love and have come to appreciate. The local’s and foreigner’s are exceptionally nice. Earlier yesterday I was at a memorial hall, and a local Taiwanese woman came up and started talking to me, interested in why I chose to come to the country and what I was doing here. But putting all that aside she took the time to thank me for coming to her country and welcomed me. How many times do you find that type of gratefulness and attitude in Canada? Everyone takes so many things for granted but here, everything is appreciated, people are so warm and thankful it’s mind blowing. Even with the barrier of language, you can really tell they genuinely care and are interested for that moment.

Soon I figure out my living situation so I’m excited about that. After training I’ll start teaching in a couple of days. The whole atmosphere of learning and being trained is unbelievable. I am allowed to be a kid again even while growing up and learning something that will be an asset to me and my students and I think that’s one of the best parts.

But, I haven’t forgotten home. I miss Canada so much, my bed, my room, my mom, my sister, my friends. Being able to be understood and carrying out a conversation. Having a phone. Or just being able to drive or know where to go because I recognize everything. But it helps to know that will always be there, I’m coming home soon and that place won’t ever leave me, so till then I’ll enjoy this first experience that I won’t get again, at least not like this.

It’s a couple of hours away and it still feels like days. It hasn’t hit me quite yet that I’m leaving the country for a year and twenty days, but a lot of me wants to hide under my blanket and make it all go away. I’m more then scared and almost terrified to start a new life for a year on my own. But I’ve come to understand that whether this is a good experience or a bad experience it’s an experience that will help me grow and become a stronger person than what I already am. When I go through the gates onto the plane tomorrow I will not be coming back as the same person and I think that’s the most fascinating part of it all.

I’ve been blessed to be able to see everyone I love and not many people are that lucky, so thank you. Thank you for taking the time out of your lives to make time for me. I can’t even express how grateful and blessed I feel knowing that my friends are there for me as much as I am for them.

I still don’t want to say bye to my sister and mom. I’m terrified. Those two are my heart and soul and without them I would be non existent in so many ways. They are what makes me and breaks me today and there support through this is going to be what makes this experience a good one. I’m going to hold on to them and never let go even if I am miles away, they reside in my heart.

So here I go Ladies & Gentlemen, I’ve sweat tears for this, I’ve worked for this, I’ve fought for this, I have earned this and I am going to enjoy it, the laughter, the tears, the worry, the pain, the anger, the fustration, the hope, the realizations, the disappointments; this is my experience, now we just have to wait and see what it brings.

Good morning everyone. Raise && SHINE! I think this the earliest I’ve been up in a long time. Actually I’ve been up since 6am due to unforeseen circumstances && now I await in my tamil’s room in fear of going outside and waking up whoever is sleeping in the household. My tamil left my side sometime in the morning because she assumes I’d be more comfortable sleeping by my self, humph. I love her so. Her and her loud tamil family, I can never tell the difference when their arguing or talking, always so loud. I’m going to miss her incredibly, but I do get to see her one more time for a short while before I leave so I’m grateful for that.

In a few hours I head to Finch station to drop some of the access stuff I have with my mommy and head to Hamilton till Tuesday where I’m going to be with the Guyanese side of me. I love her and I can’t wait to squeeze and never let go. I feel it, somewhere between now and Tuesday I’m going to cry with her and I’m going to never want to leave her side. She is one of the biggest parts of my heart and I would have it no other way. I know she’ll make my last few days in Hamilton with her memorable, and I love her for that.

Thursday, I get to see three of my other friends and I’m excited for that! Two of them are sleeping over, hopefully so it’ll be about making memories and reminiscing over the past. I hate saying goodbyes.

Sunday will definitely be one of my hardest goodbyes but I’m glad things worked out for the better.

And then of course Thursday is going to hit and I’m going to have to say goodbye to my mommy and sister…I rather not remind myself of that or I’ll probably start crying right this instant.

So, I’m going to not take for granted the few days I have with the people I love and hope and pray that their all still around a year and twenty months later, I love you guys. <3

When your dreaming with a broken heart
the waking up is the hardest part
when you roll out of bed and down on your knees
and for a moment you can hardly breathe.

Wondering was he really here?
Is he standing in my room?

The giving up is the hardest part
he takes me in with his eyes
then all at once you have to say goodbye.

Wondering could you stay?
Will you wake up by my side?

No he can’t.
No cause he’s gone gone gone….gone.

I’m currently going on four hours of sleep. Debating whether i should go to sleep now or not, since I need to get up at 3:30am to do something. I don’t think I can wait that long, I’ll probably drift to temporarily sleep sooner then later.

My mommy and I went shopping again, we seem to be doing that a lot lately. I guess it’s necessary considering I only have eighteen days left but it seems like I’ve taken something I enjoyed so much and made it into a drag. If I have to go into a change room to try something and decide whether I want it or not tomorrow I’m going to have a temper tantrum. Today’s shopping experience was worth it though. I got a bunch of new clothes, necessary clothes. Since the way I dress on a normal basis is nothing close to appropriate for the professional world I basically have to provide myself with a new wardrobe. Wouldn’t be too appealing walking into class with sweats and whatever top that casually fits the color of sweats chosen for that day. Men have it easier, I think their biggest concern is what color to wear, pft. I got a couple of nice “jackets” or sweaters, or whatever you categorize those things to wear on top of a shirt or halter, make it seem appropriate. Got a new dress for formal attire, it’s pretty. And I thought of my kids too, got stickers, little stamps that say “Good Job, Excellent” etc.  and those little certificates that say “Congratulations on working hard” you know what I’m talking about. I think all in all we spent over 400 dollars, but we’re getting down to the basics now there’s not much more to buy. Tomorrow we start putting things in the suitcase again, see what there’s left to purchase, weigh the suitcases and determine if I have to decrease or increase. I’m having my fingers crossed on increase. It’s coming down to the few days but in between the stress and chaos I don’t think I’ve allowed myself to realize it.

I’m looking forward to next week as much as dreading it. I look forward to it because I get to spend a considerable amount of time with two of the most important people in my life. I dread it because by the time I come home, Monday I only have nine days left and that’s more then scary. I’m going to want to hold on to time as long as I can.

Eighteen days, I wonder if you will prove yourself unworthy.

For some reason today I feel impatient. I’m hot and nervous not because of the weather or something I’m expecting but just because. I’m apprehensive and not at ease, somethings bothering me and I’m waiting for something except I don’t know what it is. I have a slight clue, but I hate to think that the reason for my inconsistent emotions is due to this. I really hope the change of destination leads to the change of  the constant thoughts that fill my mind, it’s absolutely unnecessary. I think I have some sort of disorder, sometimes I wish I could find the symptoms that apply to me that way it could easily be solved or at least I’ll have something to blame. It’s not very reassuring to know that this is life and it’s something that I need to deal with rather then finding an easy way out. I want an easy way out, I’ve been in this for too long.

Will you push me, push me off the edge so I can finally fly free, fly free from…you.