Trails and tribulations.

It’s too early to come home. I wanted so much for myself in this country. To learn, to exprience, to grow, to see. I can’t book a flight to fly home yet, I don’t understand the way’s things find a way to work out sometime. I need to be given the chance to relenquish myself. I haven’t even inhaled a fraction of Taiwan and it’s beauty yet.

This sucks.

I had an absolutely relaxing afternoon. We went to the Hot Springs and I just got a private room and relaxed in the water, it was great and cleansing. I haven’t felt that clean since I arrived in Taiwan. After that there was a lot of Ikea shopping, I bought some useful stuff which is always a plus.

Although for some reason tonight, I don’t feel like I belong. Not that I don’t belong in this country per say but more so that I don’t belong somewhere. I miss my comfort zone, where I had people whose past I knew, who’s present I was in and who’s future I would be a part of. I miss inside jokes, and reminiscing on the past, I miss the people I could go out with on any given day and have a good time. I took a lot for granted back home. I just feel empty tonight. I need to find somewhere where I fit, it’s yet to come.

Despite that, I’ve made it to a month today. Congratulations to me.

The week is almost over, I’m more then relieved. The great part about tomorrow is I only teach one kindy and therefore I am off of work at 11:30am. Although I won’t have a day like that again, it begins. My days starting Monday will consist of coming home at 9:45pm, a lot of grading and planning but it is what it is. I guess I never really understood why Friday was such a relief to most people, considering my life was filled with school and rarely work and trust me when I say school is a breeze compared to the constant effort of working on a regular basis. I definately plan on getting my Masters, PH.D and anything and everything after that.

I’m happy to say that I am getting more and more accustomed to my surroundings on a regular basis. Waking up everyday is not so much of a torture and a “regret” and a lot of it probably has to do with the fact that my room-mate is back so I’m not constantly alone, I’m taking the initiative to leave my bedroom and I have an amazing support system back at home. I don’t think I could ever stress the last part enough.

Other then that, kindy has been absolutely amusing and great. There’s lot’s of stories that I’m keeping track of but I’ll leave that for another day.

I’m completely drenched. Know the rain we receive in Canada, imagine that ten times worse and I’m in my sweats and a tank top. It was beautiful when I left the house but through the middle of my trip is started pouring without mercy so of course I didn’t have my rain jacket or an umbrella.

I was on a mission to buy myself a new charger because something was wrong with this one, go figure. I went to the local electronic store about two minutes away from my house, but of course it would be too easy for it to be there, and they were sold out. So I took the bus and went to another store, much like Wal-Mart about ten minutes away but of course they didn’t have it there either. So my last choice was to go back to where I started and hop on another bus that would take me to the city where I would transfer buses and go to the original store I purchased my charger from and purchase a new one. The city is about a thirty minute ride from where I am and another ten minute bus transfer to the next location. Of course it seemed that much longer this time since it was raining without mercy. Apparently people don’t walk in the rain in Taiwan and I had a destination to get too. So all eyes were on me when I went in between the heaps of people inside shelter and decided I’m going to be the smart one that goes out in the pouring rain without anything. Oh, and my flip flop decided to float away but I caught it. I’m sure everyone thought I was crazy. On my way back however, this lady tapped me from behind and of course I got startled again and gave me a newspaper to put on top of my head. Though the gesture was greatly appreciated it worked for about thirty seconds until the newspaper itself was completely drenched, so I was back to the start. However, the place where I did purchase my charger from fixed the problem for me with my original charger, tested it on my laptop which I brought and charged me nothing for it, yay.

I had an interesting adventure, now let’s just hope I don’t get sick because of the rain, ugh I call blasphemy.

Words of wisdom from the wonderful daily horscope:

Obviously, you have an important role to play, Farhana! The mood today may be somewhat frustrating, but the way you handle it will earn you rewards and recognition. Your strength, self-control, and stability make the difference between success and failure. You can, and should, be proud of yourself!

Cha-Ching!

So, I was walking back from work going down the usual route. My headphones in and my ipod blaring when I fell two hands grab me. I’ve never been so startled in my life, my headphones fall out of my ears and I probably had the look of bewilderment and fear in my eyes. It was a young lady who pointed to the truck that was heading towards me, and said “am sorry, am sorry” about six times. She probably saved me from getting brushed by a truck but yet she apologizes. I told her it was okay and thank you, but she persisted on the apologizing. I’m still shaken.

I’m sick again, fun. My body is not usually this weak, I don’t understand. Either way it is what it is. Spending time in my bedroom and memorizing every dot and scratch between these four walls isn’t the most pleasant thing to do on a constant basis.

Other then that though, I’ve been having a really hard time trying to understand my situation and the feelings that come with it at this point. More so then that, I’ve been having a hard time getting those feelings across to people without them believing I’m giving up. I’m not giving up, failure is not an option. I will not ever allow anyone to tell me that I tried to venture off into a world of the unknown and fail. I will not allow someone to ever come to me and say I told you so, I told you you should have stayed in Canada and now your back, you should have listened to me. I will not allow myself to look back months or years from now and wish that I would have stayed to accomplish what I started. Coming home earlier then the set date would only allow disappointment in the air and the feelings of uncertainty and failed accomplishments. But at the same time, I’m allowed to vent. And when I say it really is an overwhelming feeling being here, when I complain about wanting to come home, and when I say I want to take the next flight back to my secure basement, know that I am allowed to say those things and I am allowed to vent, the only time it becomes a real problem is when my suitcase is packed and I’m looking and arranging for ways out.

I was talking to my co-worker yesterday about being in culture shock and the different ways she’s dealt with it and within that she gave me some words of hope and a goal of accomplishment. She said that the majority of what she’s seen has her believing that if you can make it to three months, you can make it to a year. Three months are going to be the hardest of adjusting, and not wanting to be around, of wanting to go home, and figuring out where your place is in the system as well as in society. But she believes that if I can make it to three months, I can finish the year. So that’s my goal. To experience and understand the next three months for all its worth and then take in the next nine months for everything it has to offer.

On the positive side of things, everyone seems to be very supporting and considering and that I’m forever grateful for. I don’t think I could have picked a better organization that lends the support when needed and the understanding. There out to make my stay as comfortable as it can be, and although there is the business prospect of it, the part of business that doesn’t want to lose me because that would be money and time spent on training and finding someone else, there human part flourishes and shows more then that; at least that’s what I’ve allowed myself to believe.

It’s a little hard to wrap my mind on the fact that right now I’m getting it pretty easy. I only teach two classes if that and observe the rest. In about a week and some odd days times, I will be teaching a total of fourteen classes every week as opposed to ten. Sounds like a small change but I’ll be going to a setting that is completely surrounded around the kindergarten aspect to a setting that deals with kids anywhere from between four to thirteen and a setting that requires intense lesson planning and dedication for a long couple of months till I find my place and routine. It’s only going to get harder from here. I really need to get a grip of myself and take it in for what it is. Because due to being stubborn and prideful, and also due to wanting to experience and learn I’m not going anywhere. That being said, since I’m stuck I might as well learn to smile and appreciate this year for what it’s worth.

I’m definitely having a rollarcoaster of up’s and down’s lately. No day has proved to be stable but maybe it’s about forgetting everything you knew and learning a world of what I need to embrace and become something in.

&& If all else fails, knowing that I’m going to walk into a classroom everyday where the little kids go “Teacher Furrrrr-heeeen-naaaah—AHHH!!!, hahhahahahaha” should be motivation enough.

As well, out of respect Rest In Peace Bernie Mac. I definitely didn’t see that one coming, but then again when is death really seen coming by the majority of people? I hope everyone affected by this loss finds the strength to pull through. He will definitely be missed.

I’ve been feeling really shitty after saying goodbye to the new people I met at the hotel and starting over again by myself, well almost. A big part of me wants to scream and get the next flight home. I want to be able to see my mom and hug her, I want to hear my sister’s corny jokes and laugh at her sarcasm, I want to be able to be a few minutes or at the most a couple of hours away from my friends. I do not want to be a stranger in a foreign land. I’m frustrated and overwhelmed. And with all my attempts to brush it off and take charge of this experience all I really want to do is go back to this small room and watch a pathetic online movie and go to sleep with the addition and pleasure of catching a few of my friends online and emailing my mom.

But then I think of the fact that I do have a choice to go home, my mom would never say no to me going back to where I belong. I think of packing and leaving, and I know that that in itself would be the biggest disappointment I could give myself at this moment. I need to be able to say I charged through this. I need to face the frustrations and stress for what it is. At the same time I need to remember this is only a year of my life and I am going home to my mom and her hugs. My sister will be there with her witty remarks and I cross my fingers for the sake of my heart and hope my friends are still a couple of hours away.

I’m scared. I’m alone. I’m terrified. I want to not leave this bedroom and wish a year away. I want to scream and I want to cry but I want to accomplish this goal. I want to teach and I want to learn and I want to win. I really hope when they say it gets easier, that they really mean it because right now this is the hardest it’s ever been.

It’s been a while since I’ve scribbled on these pages, mostly because I’ve been either too busy, too overwhelmed or extremely exhausted. I’m finished training, well the first part of it. There’s specific trainings throughout the year at one month, three months, six months and nine months. It’s nice that they have it spread apart, gives everyone a chance to reconnect. I got into my new apartment but currently I’m sharing it with an extremely wonderful South African. My bedroom is small yet cozy and everything around the apartment is pretty much settled so it’s not a bad atmosphere to be spending some of my time in. I have to completely organize everything in my room, procrastination has seemed to follow me all the way in Taiwan.

The atmosphere at Hess is comfortable. The branch I’m going to be in it seems small, which I personally like. I suppose it has it’s con’s to it, but at least it will be an atmosphere where everyone is close and people seem friendly enough as it is, so that’s always a plus. I start my kindy tomorrow and then two weeks later I’ll be starting my real schedule so it’s going to be a bit of shifting around but nothing I can’t handle.

I taught my first half of a class on Saturday, the children here are very disciplined and set on specific routines. Hopefully me and my students will get use to a comfortable environment with each other. I’ll find out in about two weeks how that all plays out for itself.

Taiwan itself is a beautiful place. The local’s are extremely friendly and generous and the foreigner’s ’s are all generally welcoming so it’s a good place to settle in for a while. It’s definitely going to be an interesting year, I already know there’s going to be moments where I want to quit and go back to my comfort zone but at the end of the day I want to be able to say I accomplished something I set my mind too.

I mean who gets to say they experienced a typhoon, meet amazing people from all around the world, have dinner with someone from South Africa, New Zeland, America and Taiwan, experience the mountains and the serenity of peace on a regular and through it all experience a new world, lessons taught, memories created all with the chance to affect lives of  children in a positive matter. The con’s couldn’t possibly outweigh the positivity, but through it all I still can’t wait to breathe and step into my world that I call home.