My heart goes out to those that are affected by the Mumbai tragedy. I don’t understand the train of thought or the rationalization that goes through the minds of the people that arrange such devastating acts. What differs from their mind that allows them to be okay with the fact that they have affected so many lives that make us cringe at such a thought. It’s sad. It just breaks my heart to know that this world gets worse on a regular basis. I don’t know the true impact of the terrorism, I’ve never lost someone to a terrorist nor been involved in a terrorist act. I can only feel through the words and images that are regularly presented through media and scripts online and even that puts a sinking feeling in my heart. A lot of people believe that the reasons Muslims in particular are committing these gruesome acts is to reach “Jihad”. Some Muslims believe in order to reach Jihad, which is a gateway to heaven one would have to kill the Jews or Christians, anyone that does not believe in Mohammed or the prophets. And it’s true, that train of thought is real for so many. They get reeled into acts of terrorism sacrificing themselves in hopes of reaching Jihad. But in my perspective and in the perspective of many that’s not what Jihad is about. Jihad is about struggling through ones life in acts of good and achieving what one can through the positivity of life. Jihad is not an aspect we refer to, not in that name at least but possibly the same concept. I just recently read in the news the death poll has now reached two hundred and unfortunately I’m almost positive it’s still on a raise. The world is slowly coming to a crumbling end and it’s sad that because of the twisted and immoral, the good have become constant victims of it.
I hope the families that have to deal with the aftermath are given the strength to find a way and those that died at the hands of another, rest in peace.

To come to Taiwan was something I never thought I would ever get to experience. But to go to Singapore too, really? That’s surreal. I’m so blessed. I have a family who will never let me down, whether they are in Canada or Africa and I have a faith that’s worth believing in; I think I hit the jackpot ladies and gentlemen.

It’s such an important important imprint in the lives of those that believe and my mother this weekend. My heart hurts. I wish I was home with my mom and sister to experience this beautiful event with them.

I love you mommy; Deedar Mubarak.

When I get back home I have a couple of goals for myself;

• First and foremost, attempt to get back on the path of God & belief.
• Continue my education.
• End this chapter in my life the only way I see fit currently.
• Invest in a car.
• Get a job.
• Volunteer, my first choice at the moment is the victims service in Toronto, it’s my aspiration.

I thank God for his continuous strength and motivation he instills in me.

146 days.

Dear God,

I’ve done a lot of things in my past to fuck up. I’ve given you a lot of reasons to turn your back on me, but you never have. You are like a mother who unconditionally shows her support, constantly with patience. I agree, sometimes you get angry and wordlessly express it. But with that anger, comes a thousand more blessings and reasons for happiness. You keep me safe and protect me from harm. Some call it defensive mechanisms, but I like to think that you do what you do to me so I can do what I need to do in life, for my family and myself. Everything I have ever asked for, you have given me, even if I don’t deserve it. I turn my back on you day in and day out. When someone speaks of you, I roll my eyes and shake my head like a power like you cannot exist. You exist, I know you do. I am who I am because of you. I am who I am because of the most wonderful blessing you have ever given me, my mother. At times I forget you but I turn to you again selfishly, when I am in pain, when my heart hurts or worse yet when I want something, I remember. Sometimes I think you let me hurt just so I can remember that you are there. I take advantage of you and most of the time let the existence of you creep through to the back of my mind. I appreciate you less then I should and forget you more then often. But I need you and I love you. See, that’s the problem with what you’ve created; humans. We are selfish. I am selfish. I can’t promise that I will remember you everyday and I can’t promise that I will appreciate on a regular basis, but I do promise that I love you and that I need you with every breath I take. Sometimes it puts me to awe, how much you’ve done for me and my family. You have never let us suffer, maybe a little in the start but we love each other and we are always there for each other. We may be small, my family and I; just the three of us including me, but we have a world of love that many others are in awe of. Every time I’m in need of something, you give it to me. It might take a lot, but in the end you always give me what I need. I’m scared. I can deal with a broken leg, I can deal with being away from home, I can deal with the pain that comes from being so far from my family and friends but what I can’t deal with, is my heart. I know what you’re doing, but I cannot get away as you’ve witnessed. I’m sure there’s been times where like my mother, you’ve wanted to come in and rescue me from this pain, but you won’t. You won’t because I need to realize it on my own. I need to wake up from my own misery, I understand. You are dangling the negative in front of me hoping that one day enough will be enough. I’m not doing a very good job of making you proud, am I? How ironic. You have given me everything most people yearn for in life. You have given me a family I would die for. Friends that are a blessing. I never worry about things such as money nor have I ever wanted something that I could not receive, my mother always finds a way to provide for me. Through every aspect of my education you have given me what I want, it may have been with pain and anguish, but every single time you have given me what I wanted. You let me get one step closer to my aspirations on a regular basis. I asked to go to Taiwan, and here I am. You give me what I need so easily, Thank you. But with the matters of the heart, the only negative and downfall in this life of mine; you watch me suffer. You watch me suffer with tears and pain in hopes of me waking up one day. One day. I don’t know how far or how near that day is. Please continue to help me, I’m stubborn and blind. I don’t listen. I want what I want. My heart is stubborn. It doesn’t know how to let go, it holds on and holds on no matter what. I create rationalizations and live in a delusional world. My friends are getting sick of me. I’m getting sick of me, I’m sure you are too. It may seem through my actions that I don’t want to let go, but I do. I so badly do. Please continue to show me how, even if I shrug it off; please continue to show me how. I can’t do this without you. I’m not this weak with anything else, you know that, anyone that knows me knows that. I suppose everyone has their weakness, and this is mine. Help me become stronger. I don’t want to be the girl who has reached such great measures in life and yet is the same teenager years from today. Please don’t let me be that girl. Every tunnel eventually finds light right? Take that light and blind me with it. I’m suffocating.

I need to come home, a stronger person; without you.

Without you.

Without you.

Without you.

Without you.

Without you.

Without you.

My heart is tired of hurting, it’s so tired of hurting.

So it’s tomorrow and the news brought the death of Mr.Mandeep Bhagtana, a forty year old brown man who was a victim of a hit and run accident. Wow, I was only joking when I said I wonder what tomorrow will bring. That’s the fourth day in a row a brown person has been on the news. Rest In Peace Mr.Bhagtana.

P.S. Greece; I’ll admit, your not half bad.

Okay so lately us brown people are slowly sinking. We use to have the computer and engineering industry but then the Asian’s came around and told us to fuck off with that. So then we turned to convenience stores and gas stations but the economy is rearing us in the anus with that. So guess what we’ve been turning to lately? Violence. I’ve been checking the news while I’ve been in Taiwan and for the last two days, what do you know, a brown person or the mention of a brown person has been on citytv.news wide and center.
The first encounter was the day before yesterday where a brown man is being looked for because he stalked two girls on the bus on their way home to Windsor. While on the bus, he kissed the one girl on the lips and they left the bus in a frantic attempt to get away from him. Smart Mr.Brown man that probably smelled like curry, decided to follow them and kiss her again until they went into a store of when he ran away on his two little Indian feet.
Today, a taxi driver; brown of course got into an argument with a cyclist and decided to go into his car and run the cyclist over. We brown people have a problem with anger, we need to see someone. The cyclist was in pain for three hours because the taxi driver didn’t call the police. Three hours later he finally called 911, of which it was too late and now the cyclist has lost a leg.
As well as today, three brown men, 22, 23 and 25 are wanted for second degree murder of a 47 year old brown man. There pictures are already on the front cover which means their family knows. I don’t know why the police would go to their family because if you are brown then you know your family will protect you for as long as they can. Their family probably got them first class tickets to India and now their chilling with a thousand wives.
I wonder what tomorrow will bring.
Smh. This is beyond ridiculous.

There’s so many moments where we understand why a person won’t commit, why they won’t take the plunge or why they would prefer being with multiple individuals and testing the water before they even considers committing to one. When it comes down to it, whether you are male or female we all have a commitment problem. We’re all so scared to let our heart beat without control; we are all so scared to lose control. Because undoubtedly once upon a time, someone broke our hearts. There’s a reason they say you can never love again like your first love. Your first love was without restrictions, you knew nothing and trusted everything but with experience comes the fading of ignorance and also the knowledge of pain. The excruciating pain we’ve all felt one day or another in our life because of the opposite sex.
Most of us find a way to condition ourselves in a cycle that is plausible and predictable. Whether it be a cycle with a person or whether it be a cycle with people. Some find an individual who they continuously go through cycles with because it’s easier to regroup yourself and continue with the known. Then there’s the individuals who have different cycles of the same nature with different people, the first date, the first few months and then they cut them off. We do it all the time, condition ourselves. It makes it easier to cope and to delude ourselves from our own personal realities.
Tonight I was talking to an individual and when he opened up in some aspects I asked him;
Me: So why are you going about your ridiculous ways; why not find that one woman who will treat you right?
Him: Because I’m scared.
We’re all so scared to take that leap, and some of us lose important relationships and people because of it. I will have to plead guilty to manipulating relationships or drifting from males because I knew my heart could potentially be given to them. I wonder if we will get to a place someday where we can genuinely put aside most restrictions and try to give our hearts away. Or if we will settle because we lost those that we could have been with and are realizing time is ticking too quickly to choose anymore.