I think the hardest part of kicking a habit is wanting to kick it. We get addicted for a reason. Often, too often, things that start off as just a normal part of your life at some point cross the line, to obsessive, compulsive, out of control. It’s the high we’re chasing, the high that makes everything else…fade away.

- Greys Anatomy.

To the woman that beared me for nine months, who loved me even before she met and planned her hopes and dreams before she even knew my name. The woman who dreamed of having a child and pushed for several hours only to be given this child that would forever be hers. She nurtured me and patted my back when I cried. She smiled when I said my first word and walked my first step. She lives her life through smiles and hopes of a better day. And she’s the woman that will stop and help you without even knowing your name. She raised me and watched me grow and at twenty one years she still nurtures me and pats my back when I cry. She is the reason I am who I am today, she is the reason I do what I do. She walks with such grace and can make anyone smile within a distant. But my mommy, she’s quiet and she won’t say much but she gives you this warmth because her soul contains no negativity or bad feelings, she is so pure in every sense of the word. She does what she can however she can, and the rest just falls in place.
She is in my inspiration.
She is my strength.
She defines love.
She defines courage.
She is my laughter.
She lets me become stronger everyday.
She is a believer.
She is a fighter.
She is faith.
She is pure.
And I celebrate the day she was brought into this world today because without her existence, the world would be a little less complete.

Happy Birthday Mommy.

I love you and I’m sorry I can’t be there but I will be soon and I will hug you so tight. You are everything I have in this world and I would never be able to do it without you. I wish you nothing but happiness and love. All the things your heart craves for and your soul wishes. I wish you peace for your heart and for your spiritual connection to grow stronger. Your sins to be forgiven and your path to God to be clear with no troubles. I hope you live a long and healthy life because I can’t see a life without you.

Happy Happy Happy Birthday Mommy!
I love you.

I just found out the reason one of my kids, the one that’s so short he looks like hes sitting while standing. So chubby with glasses that barely fit his cute face. Enthusiastic and helpful to those around him a little nine year old who is so eager to learn and smile, a little boy who gave me a tight hug the first day he met me; has cancer. That’s why he’s late every time he comes to class. That’s why he comes in and says “Sorry Teacher”, he has nothing to be sorry about. Life needs to be apologizing to him. He has a tumor growing in him…one of my kids has a tumor growing in him, I don’t really know how to swallow that.

Dear God,
Please help Gaza and all their victims. I know your there, watching and I have to believe, I have to believe that you don’t want these for your children. Your children are dying in the hands of others, the children you worked so hard to create. Their laughter, smiles and hopes are being shot down so innocently. Because the Hamas launched home made rockets at them? Really? Mosques, schools, UN hospitals, children, mothers, fathers, sons, friends, are dying everyday. You have to know that this isn’t right, we’ve done wrong I know we have. And we’ve disappointed you, I know we have, but this isn’t right. Please help Gaza and all those that live in that war…

I’m really going to miss my Kindy class, I can’t imagine what it’s going to feel like to say bye to them.

• Connie who tells me she misses me constantly and squeezes me so tight when she sees me.
• Amy who was shy at first but now runs up with high speed to hug me and always smiles so brightly in class.
• Sabrina the shy one, she doesn’t speak much and smiles constantly, she likes to keep to herself but shes one of the sweetest kids I’ve met.
• Sunny who enjoys speaking, talking and talking some more. She’s sort of like the teacher’s pet, I will miss her persistence.
• William, he has my heart in that class. The hyperactive kid who never shuts up but I squeeze him so tight because he makes me happy.
• Wayne enjoys making a fool out of himself and making others laugh with his belly and random dance moves.
• Josh the smartest kid and the oldest likes to show of his intelligence and his little smile.
• Kenneth never shuts up and is loud but will attract all the ladies and then some when he gets older.
• Eric is the shyest of the guys but makes my heart melt with the big person he is in the little body he has.
• And Amos, who was only here for a month and left, I miss him already; his smile was dazzling and he was just amazing.

My heart will break to pieces on the last Thursday I see these kids, it will absolutely shatter.

I’m having an off day today. You know those days where nothing in particular happened, so you shouldn’t feel sad but you do? Maybe not so much sad, empty. And not because I’m so far from home even though I’m sure it factors in somewhat, I think…I’m lonely? It’s a scary word to admit. But I think am, at least for tonight. I’m sure tomorrow will be a different vibe. I just want to be that girl to someone. That girl that doesn’t have to fight with the others, that girl that is that girl. You know, the one that makes..you know, the cliche deal. I think everyone has their comfort that they lean on when they feel like ..crap. That thing that’s at the back of their mind, “at least I have that” to make you feel better. I know what my thing is and it’s not healthy. But it’s my thing, my “McDreamy”; you’d have to watch Grey’s Anatomy to understand.
I just finished season two of Grey’s Anatomy, I heard it goes down to shit from there but I’ll find out soon enough and by that I mean tomorrow. I’ve been exhaling a lot today. I keep telling myself I’ll find him because I know I’m flawed but really, I’m not that bad. But every time I do feel like I’m that bad, I think of McDreamy, my McDreamy, my McDreamy that shouldn’t even be my McDreamy but he is. He makes me feel like I’m a little less alone, I think I do that for him too. I guess everyone just wants to know their loved by someone, we all deserve to feel it once. I wonder if I’ve had my chance, I don’t think I have not yet, not the way it’s suppose to be but these things you can’t determine in the present. Years, months, days must go by, experiences must be felt, and then it’s like a flashback in a movie at that point you know…you know if you lost a chance or still have one or maybe patiently still waiting.
Yeah, I’m lonely. In a world full of so many people, in a day where you communicate and see and talk to so many, it still comes down to this room on this bed with these thoughts and sometimes it gets the best of me. Sometimes I just have to admit…I get a little lonely. But it fades, it always does. The human defense mechanism of life, I owe my soul to it.
84 more days till I’m home.

Too often what feels good is letting go of everything you know is right and letting someone in is abandoning the walls you’ve spent a lifetime building but of course the toughest sacrifices are the ones we don’t see coming. When we don’t have time to come with a strategy to pick a side or measure the potential loss, and when that happens; when the battle chooses us and not the other way around that’s when the sacrifice turns out to be more then we can bear.

- Greys Anatomy.

Ever get that feeling? That feeling where yesterday was better than today and your past is worth replaying because at least you knew it was worth it at some point. Even with all the hurt and pain, it’s just a little better to go over because you know how it ends. That feeling where your bed is more comfortable then the world and your memories make you smile because you can alter them in any which way to satisfy your selfish need. That feeling where you just wait for hope, but hope doesn’t come so you find other things to do in hopes that hope will find you; but it’s still not coming and the other things get boring. That feeling where your heart isn’t sinking nor raising it just is, and that’s what bothers you so much; it just is. That feeling where nobody understands but you, because everyone has their own personal feelings, and the person that made you smile doesn’t, and the people that you love are so far away, but you need to continue in your own personal hope of whatever or else that feeling will eat you alive. Yeah, I know that feeling well.

I’m something you’ll regret losing;
I promise you

I’ve noticed when a new year begins everyone gets on their high horse, which in itself is absolutely wonderful but we all get on our high horse including myself with goals, ambitions, hopes and dreams for the future. And in most cases, it takes weeks if not days for the ‘high’ to fade and for one to become who they were a few days ago. Because it’s easier to be what was then what could be. I personally have a lot of goals I aim to work towards while the time is being presented to me. It’s why I keep a goal list on the side of my blog, to constantly remind me and continuously update me on what I have achieved, would like to achieve and haven’t. I’m slowly learning that what matters the most is; baby steps. Baby steps that eventually turn into the molding of your goal coming to life.

For the longest time, I’ve had and continue to have a problem with giving my time and energy to those that don’t deserve it. Not so much as to say they don’t deserve it but more so, I deserve more from a realtionship that is a basic scenario of take, take, take, take, take, give, take, take, take, take.

Someone said something to me twice in the last two days, they said “Here’s one thing I’ll tell you and the sooner you learn it in life, the better: you can love someone without having them in your life. Just because you let them go does not mean you don’t love them, it just means their bringing you down, sometimes a person needs to love from a far” Ironically, I also received a Facebook forward from a group I’m part of today that stated “Have you noticed the phrase coming out of your mouth more often than not being ‘I’ve been really busy, sorry’? The reason is because you have been. However, the reason you find time to do the other things is not because this ‘blackhole’ of time just mysteriously opened up, but because you MADE time for it. Time is not given, it’s made. You lose the real people in your life when you don’t put effort into the relationships or activities. “

I give to so many that simply just deserve a little less.

Baby steps; baby steps; I got this.