These dreams, your so close, your right there. It feels like I touched you, your scent lingers in the air. It makes me want to close my eyes for just a few minutes longer. I need to double take my room when I wake up because it felt that real. It’s a little bit of perfection wrapped up in my subconscious mind.

I can feel you on my skin, you were right there, right here, you were so close yet ..so far away. 

• Mommy
• Alisha
• Grandpa & Fam
• Sunayna
• Roslyn
• Kumz
• Aussie
• Moneeka
• Swati
• Natasha
• Christina
• Fox
• Zaheen
• Tehseen
• Khatereh

Damnit. Hurry Up.

I’ve officially been in Taiwan for seven months.

That is more than an accomplishment to me. It makes me proud knowing that I was determined to accomplish something and was capable of doing it despite all the set backs. I’ve gained so much more experience and memories than any of those setbacks were worth. Quite frankly I would do it all over again. Though the months have been tedious I’ve enjoyed them. I’ve enjoyed teaching kids, learning from kids and learning about myself. I’ve also enjoyed learning about life and the different things that a textbook or the educational system wont teach you. There are just some things you have to venture on your own to find out about. And it’s nice to know that I got a glimpse of reality.

So, I’m in my last month and few days in this country. It’s been quite an adventure. I am going to try to appreciate and not take for granted the last weeks that are presented to me. But I’ll tell you it’s difficult when all you can feel is the closeness of your family and friends.

I wouldn’t be surprised if I blinked and I was down to a few more days in this temporary place I called home.

It was good to have you for as long as we did but for it’s worth I hope you fall on your face when you play for the Canucks. RIP Number 13.

There was a time in my life where I could not breathe without breathing him in as well. My life consisted of different things, different struggles. I needed to fight to be a step above and that was important to me because that meant I wasn’t a step behind. But when I paused, when my mind wasn’t preoccupied with something else when my pencil was being lifted to write another word, for that solitary moment for that pause; that space was consumed by him. I breathed him. His scent, his words, his touch, his embrace, his laughter, his brown eyes, I breathed it every time I took a breath of air. The magnitude of how many breathes are taken in a day seemed exhausting. As pure as I know how with the experiences I’ve been dealt with at twenty one I can say in the most sincerest form; I loved, I fought, I lost. I lost a part of me that was given to him. I gave him a part of me that nobody else will ever have a chance to take or even see. I took the risk of presenting him with a very important and crucial part of my heart. I rolled the dice and put the ball in his court. That is one of the scariest things a person can do, put their heart on the floor and walk away because you do it with all the ignorance in the world. Do they pick it up or walk away? He walked away. He walked away because he deemed the decision appropriate. I walked towards him ignoring my throbbing heart on the floor because you can replace an organ, it’s easy to replace an organ but how do you bring a person back from the dead? So I fought. I fought one of the most emotional battles of my life and I conquered. Because not only is he a consist part of my life he is an important and necessary piece of my puzzle. That’s not to say he will always be around or that I will, the future is as blurry as a lighthouse in the stormy rain but it will always be worth it. Even if I’m constantly reminded that he chose to walk away. I’m not writing this because I’m being an emotional individual right now and I’m not writing this because my heart needs to exhale it’s thoughts. I’m writing this for the people that have breathed someone in as well, who fought so hard and lost. It’s okay to lose battles sometimes so long as you can conquer the war. Sometimes, for a lack of words, sometimes it just blatantly sucks. It sucks to give your heart away, it sucks when they don’t respond the same way, it sucks when you have to pick up your throbbing heart and it sucks attempting to put it back together even though you know it will never be the same again. And the battle wounds? The scars? Their noticeable, and that sucks even more because sometimes when all you want to do is forget, you remember. But what would be even more terrifying then that would be if you were never brave enough to face the world and take another chance again. That in itself would be the biggest injustice to yourself, walk tall, that’s the only thing I can ask of myself. That way I can at least say I never gave up, giving up is for the weak. And that is something I choose to never be again.

I was looking through my Facebook inbox and found a message from Markus I forgot existed.

“9 months ago u was my reason fo change n i aint even c it until 2day when u said ey markus how r u n i cud finally say great. She got it twisted she my inspiration reason 4 change my knowledge n escape gives me strength lets me c da good on a fucked up day”

I miss you.

I bet there’s hearts all over the world tonight with the love of their life who feel what I feel when I’m with you.

Happy anti Valentines Day.

It’s been a while since I wrote in here mostly because I haven’t time and other unforeseeable circumstances that stopped me such as my laptop crashing and me having to purchase an alternative one. After purchasing my new laptop which is a mini asus eee pc, my wrists started hurting extremely bad because of how small the keyboard is so my typing had reduced incredibly. I just purchased a new keyboard today as well as a keyboard mouse. Prior to that I had the comfort of using my laptop on my bed but because of the size of the laptop and the new external mouse, I had to move the position of my nicely comforted desk so a chair could fit and I could use it for the use of an actual desk. Which in my opinion sucks because I much rather preferred to have used it as an accessory to plot my useless shit on. But I suppose having a suitable place to work on and rest your wrists would be better then carpal tunnel syndrome.
The days are coming down quickly till when I’ll be able to step into the country I prefer to call home. I’m excited. A little sad to leave some of the parts of Taiwan especially my kids, but I’m excited to go back to a place that I can call my own. I cannot wrap my mind around the fact this month will be seven months since I’ve been in Taiwan. Seven months since I’ve seen the people I love and the country that is my own. Days have flown too quickly, to think there’s only one month and twenty two days left.

PS. Happy Friday the 13th.

I will fight. I will fight because that’s how much you mean to me. Because I could do it without you but I rather not. You give me another reason to smile and without you I would have one less reason to be content. I do not want one less reason to feel happy. As much as I don’t need you, I want you. I want you in my life, I want to share the good times and bad times with you. I have learned to love you. I have learned to love you and every day that passes I’m a little closer to loving without conditions. And that’s scary but your worth it. You’ve always been worth it. You are one of my best friends, my confindement, and my strength when I’m weak. You are also a reason I laugh, you are a reason that silly smile comes across my face, for everything we’ve shared and all that we’ve encountered. I love you as one of the most important people in my life and that is the biggest compliment I can ever give you. But, there’s only so much I can run before I look back and wonder if you’re still behind me; I’m running out of air, will you run ahead for a little while?

25 random facts about me:

1. I’ve had my nose pierced three times, all of which failed miserably on the same side. So I might consider the other side someday.
2. I dropped out of school in grade eleven and went back in grade twelve. It took a course load of nine regular courses during the semester, one online course, six night school classes and one class where I had to help out with kids with disabilities on my lunch time for a credit in order to graduate with my graduating class.
3. When I was ten I went to Africa by myself for a month.
4. I will remember your birthday if you tell me once.
5. My graduating year of university, one of my professors decided I used someone else’s essay(I didn’t) and after much bargaining gave me a 49 on the essay of which was worth 30% of my mark. I needed a 78% on the final to graduate, I graduated.
6. I like pain, pain is pleasure.
7. My name means happy.
8. I always need to struggle incredibly hard when I’m very close to getting something I want, something that is important to me. I have yet to look back and find something I have not received.
9. I saw a psychic when I was eighteen, he said I’m going to marry a cop or someone who aims to be a cop whose name, be it first or last, starts with B.
10. I make a wish at 11:11pm and when I see a star I do the whole “Twinkle Twinkle little star…I wish I may I wish I might” and make a wish, I also throw pennies in fountains.
11. Every night before I go to sleep I ask God to use my body and all that I’ve learned and understood as a tool to help others in whatever way I can on a regular basis.
12. I want to adopt a child one day and as I grow older the dream becomes stronger.
13. My MSN is listed in the following categories; “Sanity…well almost”, “Their my sunshine after the rain”, “Upgraded”, “Taiwan”, “Like withered pages everything fades”, “Blacklistedcumguzzlingfuckers”, “MyBestFriendArmorBrain&All” The only categories that are ever open are the first 3.
14. I think the sound of rain and thunder is the most peaceful thing to fall asleep too.
15. Scented candles keep me calm, as well as music, writing, and silence.
16. I’m constantly paranoid with the relationships I have with people in my life that are important to me, I have a problem with putting the blame on myself, giving too much of myself and not expecting enough respect in return.
17. I am going to get my last and final tattoo in Taiwan.
18. It is very hard for me to see the negative attributes in people.
19. When I think or say family, the only two people I consider are my mother and sister.
20. There are only two men in my life who could ask me to jump and I would respond with “how high” instead of questioning their motives. Those two men are the only men that have a huge piece of my heart.
21. I have a past many will never know about.
22. I plan on volunteering abroad for approximately four weeks before I turn twenty two.
23. My favorite movie will always be Lion King.
24. It takes very little to make me genuinely happy and incredibly ecstatic.
25. In Taiwan every receipt has a lottery number, if drawed you get a certain amount of money. I collect mine and every month give a stack full to a different homeless person, they get really happy.