She is finished. She dropped her last tear today.
Process of moving on concluded – she’s so far away
From all the memories of all the things that he used to say.
She left them in the trash with the roses he bought that day.

He is back on his game by his own self-proclaimed right,
Hasn’t called her number now in three whole nights.
Besides, he made a dozen unanswered calls a day, he thinks he put up his fight.
She really Loved him, but getting what he wants elsewhere is something so light.

She has successfully hopped back on her grind.
Cold mentality is back in effect while she’s schooling and working part time.
Late calls with new voices and nights-out keep her occupied.
She’s too grown for his bullshit anyways, he the farthest thing from her mind.

He doesn’t have to worry about her anymore.
No excess relationship weight to make his shoulders sore.
Now he’s free to do whatever with whoever, just like before.
Spent too long dropping only her panties over and over on the floor.

She gets off on how she independent she is,
Doesn’t have that immature fool always up in her business.
Now dudes find her self-sovereignty so attractive, so solid now that she isn’t his.
Life really tastes so much sweeter when it has a little fizz.

He is the same way he was at the very start.
After a while it doesn’t matter that he jack-knifed her heart.
Not like he has to deal with it while living so far apart
And he’s already checked off her name on his to-do chart.

She is ashamed of all the time that she spent
But she doesn’t bother spending any more on him to repent.
Deleted every last text message that he ever sent –
Remembered each one and desaturated herself of all the things he never meant.

He is eager and ready for the next,
Doesn’t think twice about her half the time because now she’s just an ex.
Looks back on it and smirks because it was some really good sex.
Fails to realize the gravity of what he has wrecked.

She has started something completely new,
But that will never change all the hurt that he put her through.
Some days she gets so caught up in how nothing he promised came true
And she wonders if he ever misses all the good they had too…

He is a player but a pretty boy is what he shows.
He’s still young so he isn’t settling down – that for sure she painfully knows.
Life’s short so play hard and stick hard, she messed up his flow.
The only time he’ll love them is when – well, you know how the song goes.

She thinks about him and just shakes her head.
When he comes up in conversation she wishes he would drop dead
Because she hates recalling all the fake sweet things that he said.
She knows she’ll never find someone to hold her the same way he did in bed.

He walks with a boulder on his shoulder – way too much pride.
She knows he’d choke if he had to swallow it, that’s why love died
But he doesn’t care enough to see how much it had hurt her inside.
He’ll never find love like that again if he searches the whole world far and wide.

She walks away, hands clean. She knows it’s done.
He was supposed to be temporary anyways, just a little summer fun.
Gave him a free crash course on love and he still managed to lose one,
But she’s been through enough to know there will be a better someone.

He knew what he wanted to get, he got a lot more
So he can carry on knowing he got what he came for.
At least now he’s learned to leave faster so he doesn’t get bored
And the next girl’s emotions will be that much easier to ignore.

She refuses to let the cry inside of her get out, she shuts her eyes tight
Every time her heart sinks in… She hates this part of each night,
When she lays awake and wonders what she didn’t do right,
But she shakes it off because he fucked it up to such an elevated height.

He is gonna miss the way she Loved him so much,
The way her head lay in his hand in bed – he’ll miss her touch.
He’ll never understand that if he ever fell, she’d wanted to be his crutch.
No other girl will play with his hair like her, hold hands like her, such and such.

She doesn’t care. There’s billions of people in this world
Many who can do the same thing with their tongue to make her toes curl.
Her heart deserves a thousand times better from someone real – of that she’s assured,
But now and then, a song plays out and she knows to whom her mind refers.

He doesn’t see how happy she is without him around.
He’s turned a blind eye to her existence even though sometimes he swears he hears her in the background
But he hears songs as well every once in a while and his heart starts to pound
And deep inside himself he wishes he could remember how her voice used to sound.

She only crumbles inside when she remembers,
Like the time he pushed her against the wall and kissed her – wishes she could stay in that moment for just a little longer.

He won’t ever forget the hug she held him in so tight that night in November,
He doesn’t understand that she trusted his forevers but they turned to never.

They will never ever – even if they try – ever, ever be the same
Neither of them will ever forget every time they hear each other’s names.
No matter how it’s looked at, the way it is now is such a shame.
Heartache and heartbreak – in the end only Love is to blame.

“Where do you want to be five years from now?”
“With you.”
“You don’t know where I’ll be – ”
“I don’t care where you’ll be.”
“Five years from now I could be dead…”
“So would I. I wouldn’t want to live without you.”
“That’s so irrational, there’s an entire world of possibilities out there – ”
“This world couldn’t possibly mean anything if you weren’t a part of it.”
“You’re funny. Sometimes I wonder about you.”

“That’s funny, I think about you all the time.”

I have officially spent eight months in Taiwan and I leave in two weeks, how do I feel about that? I don’t know but whether I like it or not I’m slowly wrapping up another chapter in my life before I start a fresh new one.

My mother and sister will be my family forever.

We are bound by love, by blood, by history. No one in the world makes me laugh or smile the way they do. Nobody else can make me feel as comfortable or happy as they can. And no matter how much we may change, their title will never change; they will always be family.

My girls will inevitably fade out of my life and into their own developing lives. They will become wives, mothers. We will unfortunately lose touch and they will become distant.

The men in my life will eventually move away and grow into their own. They will become husbands, fathers as much as I wish it not to happen we will, sooner or later, drift.

My boyfriends will never remain boyfriends. They will screw up, as done in the past, and be left as ex-boyfriends. Or they will man up and stay around long enough to become a husband.

Essentially, all other people familiar to me will change. But my family will always be my family.

In time, my sister will become a fiancee and then a wife – but she will still be my sister. My mother will find a husband or a lover and become a grandmother but she will still be my mother. They are my family through each mistake I learn from and every decision I make. They are my family through any pound I gain or lose and whatever hairstyle I may try. They are my family from the moment I was introduced into their lives. They will be my family when we’re old and wrinkled, popped up in rocking chairs with false teeth in our mouths. They will be my family after my heart puimps its final beat.

There is nothing I am more thankful for than my family.
I love you with all that I am.

I’m twenty days away from home and truth be told I don’t know how I feel about that. Granted, I am excited to go back to the world I know and have grown accustomed to but whether people realize it or not, this has been a world I have grown into and have become accustomed too. I’ve learned so much on my own and everyday is another day where I am able to venture out and figure something else out, something I never knew; another challenging opportunity I was able to conquer on my own. I love my kids, I love knowing that I’m making a difference on a regular basis. I love the simplicity of this country and I love how happy people are with no worries on how other people will regard them. I’m going to miss the stupid bell on the bus and how the bus drivers have no concept of breaking before they have to stop. I will also miss seeing Asians everywhere I go and getting everything at a disgustingly cheap price.

As much as I am excited to see my family and friends, a part of doesn’t want to leave this world I have figured out on my own. Something that I can say nobody helped me with, that I stepped into on my own will and lived through because I could. Sure home has opportunities, friends, family, everything that is comfortable but I also let go of a lot just like I did when I came to Taiwan. The only difference was I knew I was coming back, knowing I may possibly never see Taiwan and it’s people again is the bitter part of the equation of coming home. It’s all just bittersweet.

I’ve made my move up one floor. I have to say I like this room a lot better, it’s comfortable and it fits. I’ll be sad to leave the room behind, but it’s better to experience something then not, right?

My mommy got me a queen size bed! I’ve never had a bed bigger then a single to call my own and finally, FINALLY, at twenty one my mom went out and bought me a queen size bed. I love my mom, I am so blessed. My mom wants the best for her children, even if it means spending money;  she rather sleep well knowing her children are sleeping better. I miss my family so much, I miss my mom so much, I can’t wait to hug her.

With that being said, today is exactly 30 days till I board that plane and take my twenty six hour flight home.

So yesterday I was notified by the bright yellow announcement in the elevator that all teachers that reside in the fourth floor had to move all their stuff, (bed, desk) by themselves to the fifth floor and each room would be allocated on a first come first serve basis. Thankfully, I got the last room on the fifth floor which is newly renovated or I would have had to gone to the slum sixth floor. However, moving before I am leaving was not the greatest announcement to my ears yesterday. I was aggravated and unbelievably frustrated. Today, I’m a little better but more so stressed on the amount of stuff I now have to fit into my two suitcases that can only hold 23kg to be able to be checked in. I brought way too much unnecessary things to Taiwan but it was my first time traveling so far for so long, so it was an experience that was bound to happen but most definitely learned from.

While I was packing the reality of me set in, I really do only have a few weeks left. It’s bittersweet. I’m going to miss the streets and ways of Taiwan, not forgetting how everything is so ridiculously cheap here. I’m going to miss my students so much, I hope their new teacher stays longer and treats them better.

While coming home today the bus driver let me sit beside him and he explained the functions and mechanics of driving a bus. I was so amused, when do you ever get to sit beside the bus driver on a big transit system and learn?

On a side note, I really have to stop procrastinating and wire my money home, that is something that cannot but probably will be postponed for later. Next week damnit..next week.

I feel empty tonight. Like theirs something missing, wish I could fill the void, its easier said then done, my bed is so comfortable, my sheets hide my sighs, I wish I could fly, I want to crawl into a hole for a little while to appreciate the sun again, exhale my emotions, wish I could hug someone I love, anyone I love, empty tonight.

35 days.

After weighing the options I’ve decided not to get my final tattoo and tragus done in Taiwan. It’s not that I can’t it’s more so that I shouldn’t. I’m financially capable of investing in something that would make me content but when it comes down to it I could use that extra two hundred, three hundred dollars on something more useful. Maybe if we weren’t in such a horrible economical struggle I would have invested in it without a second doubt. But we are struggling, money is of value, and things like a tattoo and targus can be postponed. But with that being said things like hair cannot, I’m still investing in that.

The news distraughts me lately. There’s so much violence and so many youth dying. It was not like this a few years ago, what happened? What changed from when I was a little girl swinging on the swings to today where the hands of teenagers that pull a trigger is the cause of another family’s tears. Parents are not suppose to bury their children. The city isn’t safe anymore, there’s been three shootings on the TTC, four shootings on the subway, shootings that happen at the mall on a regular basis. On a regular basis! I take the TTC, I take the subway, my friends go to the mall, my sister goes to the mall, my family and friends are living the same life as these people who pull the trigger or stab another person and I do not, I do not want to go to the funeral of my mother or sister, I do not want to go the funeral of a friend or an acquaintance because they were a bystander.
It’s becoming ridiculous, these are youths dying on a regular basis. Every other day a new person’s facebook tribute page is being put up and every other day memories are being written with RIP’s that follow. That’s not normal. The world is a cold place guaranteed but I would like to think our city would not splurge into the random acts of violence. What happened to us?
When I get home I’d like to participate in being a big sister to a disadvantaged youth or I’d like to mentor a child, I want to help. I want to help the people that need help or just a person that who listens. I know it’s not as easy as that in the bigger scope of things, but I have time, I have energy and I am very capable of spending a few hours of my life to see a young youth and allow them to have something to look forward too on a regular basis. I know I always had something to look forward too as a child, my mom presented me with that and I’m forever grateful. But some children aren’t, some children aren’t as lucky as a lot of us.
I think people of society need to stop being so damn selfish with their time and offer it to those that need it, maybe then you’d have something to look forward to too.