Inspiration Never Fades

Onehundred&seventysix.

Her... — Sun, 09 May 2010 01:29:00 +0000

When it comes down to it there’s very few people that stick around during the storm. Most people choose to leave when the going get’s tough because it’s easier to come back when everything’s been settled and fixed. Who wants to deal with the wrapping and constructing of a package, most people rather just get the pretty box wrapped elegantly in a tiny bow with perfect curly ribbons to add to the perfection. It’s the people that stick through the good and the bad that learn to appreciate the process and the efforts, to really appreciate who the person is and grows to be on any given day.

The one thing I stay away from is depending on others and he did everything I wish he didn’t do – he left.

Onehundred&seventyfive.

Her... — Sat, 08 May 2010 02:12:23 +0000

It’s really about the little things. Enjoying the little things. The big things, there always going to exist. Money, job prospects, educational aspirations, rejections, acceptations, family dilemmas, friend crisis, hopes renewed, ambitions shattered, heart break, heart ache, self image, insecurities, uncertainty. There always going to exist, in different ways through different stages of life. Whether your a growing child, a teenager, a young adult, an adult, an elder. All those things transcend in different ways in your life – for whatever your life means to you. It’s the little things, the little things that go unnoticed more often than not that need to be held for so much more than its worth. Because the big things, those things – there never going to change. But I say, if you appreciate all the little things that are ever changing it makes the big things not so scary anymore and ..certainly, not so big.

Onehundred&seventyfour.

Her... — Thu, 06 May 2010 06:54:25 +0000

It’s been a while. Six months – half a year. – It’s definitely been a while. It’s crazy how much can change in six months, from everything to life, family, perspectives, myself.

Somewhere between going to Taiwan and today, I grew up a little more.

I graduated from college as a Social Service Worker, which would mean this is my second certification in the world of post secondary education.
I went to Jamaica, with twenty two amazing people and let the communities make a difference in my life in an attempt to return the change. I was fortunate enough to work at the West Indies Hospital within the detoxification unit, the aids/hiv center and the psych ward.
My family and I got another cat – I’m not sure how we did it without him.
I got my first rejection from a university which also means I got my first rejection in life. I’ve never had to change plans for my future because things did not go my way. It was a bitter and hurtful feeling and now it’s an encouraging and motivating one.
I’ve been in a relationship strong for almost four months – it’s amazing and terrifying how a stranger can become a consistent part of your life.
I am officially a residential counsellor at a homeless shelter close to where I live. I’m lucky enough to be a part of an ongoing change and process, everyday.

Beyond the tangible parts of my life, I’ve grown inside -

I’m letting myself fall and I’m scared as fuck.
I’m learning to love my dad again and forgive.
I realize now more than ever how important taking care of me is.
A man at the shelter said while he was talking about his addiction to alcohol and his commitment to sobriety “People want to make changes and they always think of plans but nobody ever does it. I did it, because I didn’t want to look back and waste another 23 years because I already wasted 22. Just get up and fucking do it if you want it bad enough”
I’m going to attempt to get up and take charge.
I’ve realized I was pretty tainted and bruised with the clouded negativity in emotions.
I’ve also realized I was pretty tainted and bruised with the clouded negativity in emotions, I don’t have to continue to be.
I have a whole list of continuous ambitions and goals I want for myself.
Sometimes I have really shitty days. Sometimes I have really good days. I’m learning to embrace them both and everything in between.
…And I’m also slowly learning I’m not that bad of a person inside and out, I just need to learn to believe that for more then five minutes on any given day.

Onehundred&seventythree.

Her... — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 13:21:25 +0000

So it sucks being let down. And it sucks when you give a little piece of yourself, no matter how small, to someone and they give it back. It’s always tainted and it won’t ever be the same, no matter how little the situation may be compared to others. I guess that’s the risk you take when you put yourself out there. You give a little bit of yourself away and you hope for a positive outcome. Always keeping in mind that disappointment and being hurt or taken advantage of is always something that can come back to you as well. I’m disappointed. Not so much hurt because it never got that far. But disappointed because it’s a situation that didn’t work out, at least not the way my mind had hoped for. Whose to say it won’t work out in another way that may be more beneficial. But I suppose I learned a little more of what I don’t want and a lot of what I would want, in an ideal situation. I reminded myself not to settle for anything less than of what I deserve even if the little moments of lust and affection make it easy to be lured in for a little longer. Point blank, it sucks. It sucks when you realize that it isn’t what could be and that, that in itself is suppose to be okay. Just bleh. He made me smile for a little while I suppose, for that he deserves a thank you.

Onehundred&seventytwo.

Her... — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 07:41:08 +0000

Nothing sucks more than losing a big part of your life. Someone you trusted, confided in. Someone that shared your moments of strengths and were around for your moment of weaknesses. Someone whose hugs made everything a little better. But nothing sucks more than knowing that possibly, maybe, letting go is the best thing you can do for yourself. Because possibly, maybe, their not at a stage to ever love you like you deserve. Because I deserve the world and nothing less, and even though…even though, I love you, I can’t stand to be treated with such little respect anymore. And sure, I’ll miss you, I miss you, but the moments of contentedness became so rare as the years passed. And though they were always worth it to me, things tore me apart harder than you can imagine. Although I’m grateful, so grateful, that while I choose to take steps back, slowly but surely, I have no bitterness, no regrets, no what if’s. I loved, I lost…but I conquered.

Onehundred&seventyone.

Her... — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 02:11:30 +0000

It’s all about taking risks. It’s scary and it sucks. Who really wants to put themselves out there, emotionally, physically, mentally? Who loves the factor of rejection or disappointment, nobody really thrives on it. But nobody succeeded or achieved what they wanted, or even got to open a new door without taking the chance, the risk, the opportunity to let itself be known. I took a huge risk for myself yesterday, in all sense doubt and insecurities, I let myself be put out there. Sure it was frightening, I probably drove the people around me crazy, but I did it. Not for anyone else but for me, for knowing what it feels like to be absolutely scared but also knowing what it feels like to be revealed because I did it, I did it, regardless of the consequences, I did it. Believe me, it’s not anything great. Probably something people do on a regular basis, but it is something that I’m not comfortable with and you know what? It turned out great, it was a good night and I would do it again in a minute. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still absolutely scared to do it again, because a whole new set of insecurities and doubts have crept up on me but at the same time, that’s okay because I’ll get over them too. And at the end of the day if things work out, that’s great. But if they don’t, I can’t ever say I didn’t try. I’d rather walk away with the possibility of being slightly disappointed but getting over it instead of questioning it and wondering if the scenario would have been any different.

Honestly, just take the leap, what’s the worst that can happen?

Onehundred&seventy.

Her... — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 03:49:24 +0000

There’s very little I expect from people. I’m one to give and not want a lot in return and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I like the person I am and for a lot of the qualities I possess but that does not mean you can turn on asshole mode whenever you so please because I prefer to be quiet then loud. Just because I prefer to let things slide then create a scenario about it doesn’t mean you can trample on me and disrespect me as you please. I hate people who think their above other people and I dislike people that choose to use their manipulative and controlling ways to let a situation sway their way when at that moment all I want to do is take their nut sack and twist it to it’s worthless existence. I hate people that cannot show me respect, I am not your fucking bitch stop treating me like one. God DAMN!

Onehundred&sixtynine.

Her... — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 13:54:47 +0000

So that’s it. My teaching position in Taiwan ended today with one of my favorite classes. It’s a weird feeling knowing I probably won’t be infront of a classroom teaching and getting to know kids anytime soon. I won’t be correcting their English and making jokes with them when the Chinese teacher isn’t looking. I won’t be in Taiwan much longer.

I don’t regret any of it, it was one of the smartest decisions I’ve made to venture off and learn while teaching. My kids have made some of the greatest impressions in my life and they will forever own a piece of my heart, I just hope I’ve done that for them too. It’s been a great chapter to live in for a while and I am thankful I was given the opportunity and strength to surpass it and feel it for all it’s worth.

Onehundred&sixtyeight.

Her... — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 17:55:45 +0000

When I come back home I’m going to make a bigger effort to be nicer to my dad. Before I left, the level of respect I had for my dad was next to zero. Words of the past would come out of my mouth like shots of fire. I was rude, I was inconsiderate. I snooped down to his level of anger and that is something I am not proud of. The respect I have for my dad is still next to zero, he has hurt my family and torn the woman of my heart; my mother, apart, for that I will never forgive him. But I do have a little more respect for me. And I would like to think that someday when I make the biggest mistake of my life, even though it will never ever amount to the damage he’s done in the lives of many, someone out there will lend a hand and still love me. Everyone wants to know that not their not alone, nobody wants to do it on their own. I am not the judge of anyone’s actions, he is my dad. And although he might not be a nice person, he’s alone. And for anyone that has ever been alone, for anyone that has ever had nobody to come home to and nothing to look forward to with not a voice that calls their name in delight, they know what levels of insanity they can reach.

I want to lend a hand to my dad and let him know I still love him because even though he’s never really done the same for anyone maybe it’s because he’s never learned how; maybe it’s time we teach him that he’s not alone out there. He still has me.

One hundred&sixtyseven.

Her... — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 13:27:08 +0000

I hate saying goodbye to my kids it puts me in a vulgar mood. I hate that part of growing up and moving forward. I hate that I won’t ever see these kids again. I hate that this is the first time of a thousand more times ahead where it feels like theres a basketball stuck in my throat and I don’t know whether to cry or simply swallow and just be. I hate the way goodbyes make me feel.