My mother and sister will be my family forever.

We are bound by love, by blood, by history. No one in the world makes me laugh or smile the way they do. Nobody else can make me feel as comfortable or happy as they can. And no matter how much we may change, their title will never change; they will always be family.

My girls will inevitably fade out of my life and into their own developing lives. They will become wives, mothers. We will unfortunately lose touch and they will become distant.

The men in my life will eventually move away and grow into their own. They will become husbands, fathers as much as I wish it not to happen we will, sooner or later, drift.

My boyfriends will never remain boyfriends. They will screw up, as done in the past, and be left as ex-boyfriends. Or they will man up and stay around long enough to become a husband.

Essentially, all other people familiar to me will change. But my family will always be my family.

In time, my sister will become a fiancee and then a wife – but she will still be my sister. My mother will find a husband or a lover and become a grandmother but she will still be my mother. They are my family through each mistake I learn from and every decision I make. They are my family through any pound I gain or lose and whatever hairstyle I may try. They are my family from the moment I was introduced into their lives. They will be my family when we’re old and wrinkled, popped up in rocking chairs with false teeth in our mouths. They will be my family after my heart puimps its final beat.

There is nothing I am more thankful for than my family.
I love you with all that I am.

I’m twenty days away from home and truth be told I don’t know how I feel about that. Granted, I am excited to go back to the world I know and have grown accustomed to but whether people realize it or not, this has been a world I have grown into and have become accustomed too. I’ve learned so much on my own and everyday is another day where I am able to venture out and figure something else out, something I never knew; another challenging opportunity I was able to conquer on my own. I love my kids, I love knowing that I’m making a difference on a regular basis. I love the simplicity of this country and I love how happy people are with no worries on how other people will regard them. I’m going to miss the stupid bell on the bus and how the bus drivers have no concept of breaking before they have to stop. I will also miss seeing Asians everywhere I go and getting everything at a disgustingly cheap price.

As much as I am excited to see my family and friends, a part of doesn’t want to leave this world I have figured out on my own. Something that I can say nobody helped me with, that I stepped into on my own will and lived through because I could. Sure home has opportunities, friends, family, everything that is comfortable but I also let go of a lot just like I did when I came to Taiwan. The only difference was I knew I was coming back, knowing I may possibly never see Taiwan and it’s people again is the bitter part of the equation of coming home. It’s all just bittersweet.

I’ve made my move up one floor. I have to say I like this room a lot better, it’s comfortable and it fits. I’ll be sad to leave the room behind, but it’s better to experience something then not, right?

My mommy got me a queen size bed! I’ve never had a bed bigger then a single to call my own and finally, FINALLY, at twenty one my mom went out and bought me a queen size bed. I love my mom, I am so blessed. My mom wants the best for her children, even if it means spending money;  she rather sleep well knowing her children are sleeping better. I miss my family so much, I miss my mom so much, I can’t wait to hug her.

With that being said, today is exactly 30 days till I board that plane and take my twenty six hour flight home.

So yesterday I was notified by the bright yellow announcement in the elevator that all teachers that reside in the fourth floor had to move all their stuff, (bed, desk) by themselves to the fifth floor and each room would be allocated on a first come first serve basis. Thankfully, I got the last room on the fifth floor which is newly renovated or I would have had to gone to the slum sixth floor. However, moving before I am leaving was not the greatest announcement to my ears yesterday. I was aggravated and unbelievably frustrated. Today, I’m a little better but more so stressed on the amount of stuff I now have to fit into my two suitcases that can only hold 23kg to be able to be checked in. I brought way too much unnecessary things to Taiwan but it was my first time traveling so far for so long, so it was an experience that was bound to happen but most definitely learned from.

While I was packing the reality of me set in, I really do only have a few weeks left. It’s bittersweet. I’m going to miss the streets and ways of Taiwan, not forgetting how everything is so ridiculously cheap here. I’m going to miss my students so much, I hope their new teacher stays longer and treats them better.

While coming home today the bus driver let me sit beside him and he explained the functions and mechanics of driving a bus. I was so amused, when do you ever get to sit beside the bus driver on a big transit system and learn?

On a side note, I really have to stop procrastinating and wire my money home, that is something that cannot but probably will be postponed for later. Next week damnit..next week.

I feel empty tonight. Like theirs something missing, wish I could fill the void, its easier said then done, my bed is so comfortable, my sheets hide my sighs, I wish I could fly, I want to crawl into a hole for a little while to appreciate the sun again, exhale my emotions, wish I could hug someone I love, anyone I love, empty tonight.

35 days.

After weighing the options I’ve decided not to get my final tattoo and tragus done in Taiwan. It’s not that I can’t it’s more so that I shouldn’t. I’m financially capable of investing in something that would make me content but when it comes down to it I could use that extra two hundred, three hundred dollars on something more useful. Maybe if we weren’t in such a horrible economical struggle I would have invested in it without a second doubt. But we are struggling, money is of value, and things like a tattoo and targus can be postponed. But with that being said things like hair cannot, I’m still investing in that.

The news distraughts me lately. There’s so much violence and so many youth dying. It was not like this a few years ago, what happened? What changed from when I was a little girl swinging on the swings to today where the hands of teenagers that pull a trigger is the cause of another family’s tears. Parents are not suppose to bury their children. The city isn’t safe anymore, there’s been three shootings on the TTC, four shootings on the subway, shootings that happen at the mall on a regular basis. On a regular basis! I take the TTC, I take the subway, my friends go to the mall, my sister goes to the mall, my family and friends are living the same life as these people who pull the trigger or stab another person and I do not, I do not want to go to the funeral of my mother or sister, I do not want to go the funeral of a friend or an acquaintance because they were a bystander.
It’s becoming ridiculous, these are youths dying on a regular basis. Every other day a new person’s facebook tribute page is being put up and every other day memories are being written with RIP’s that follow. That’s not normal. The world is a cold place guaranteed but I would like to think our city would not splurge into the random acts of violence. What happened to us?
When I get home I’d like to participate in being a big sister to a disadvantaged youth or I’d like to mentor a child, I want to help. I want to help the people that need help or just a person that who listens. I know it’s not as easy as that in the bigger scope of things, but I have time, I have energy and I am very capable of spending a few hours of my life to see a young youth and allow them to have something to look forward too on a regular basis. I know I always had something to look forward too as a child, my mom presented me with that and I’m forever grateful. But some children aren’t, some children aren’t as lucky as a lot of us.
I think people of society need to stop being so damn selfish with their time and offer it to those that need it, maybe then you’d have something to look forward to too.

These dreams, your so close, your right there. It feels like I touched you, your scent lingers in the air. It makes me want to close my eyes for just a few minutes longer. I need to double take my room when I wake up because it felt that real. It’s a little bit of perfection wrapped up in my subconscious mind.

I can feel you on my skin, you were right there, right here, you were so close yet ..so far away. 

• Mommy
• Alisha
• Grandpa & Fam
• Sunayna
• Roslyn
• Kumz
• Aussie
• Moneeka
• Swati
• Natasha
• Christina
• Fox
• Zaheen
• Tehseen
• Khatereh

Damnit. Hurry Up.

I’ve officially been in Taiwan for seven months.

That is more than an accomplishment to me. It makes me proud knowing that I was determined to accomplish something and was capable of doing it despite all the set backs. I’ve gained so much more experience and memories than any of those setbacks were worth. Quite frankly I would do it all over again. Though the months have been tedious I’ve enjoyed them. I’ve enjoyed teaching kids, learning from kids and learning about myself. I’ve also enjoyed learning about life and the different things that a textbook or the educational system wont teach you. There are just some things you have to venture on your own to find out about. And it’s nice to know that I got a glimpse of reality.

So, I’m in my last month and few days in this country. It’s been quite an adventure. I am going to try to appreciate and not take for granted the last weeks that are presented to me. But I’ll tell you it’s difficult when all you can feel is the closeness of your family and friends.

I wouldn’t be surprised if I blinked and I was down to a few more days in this temporary place I called home.